Topic: Whats Your Most Embarrassing Sex Story?

[nickclone]

Check the title, it doesn't need a whole lot of explaining, just let it all out. Seeing as how I have no shame and after a few beers will tell my deepest darkest secrets to my mom in graphic detail I don't see why I can't do the same to break the ice here. Once I'm done, feel free to let your own stuff out as well (in no particular order of course):

I've got two big scoops for you, this first one was after this girl fed me tequila shots all night long. Everyone knows I'm a boozer and they way to get to my heart is by making me drink until I puke it up on the floor. Anyways, it was this girl I used to work with who I don't think I ever spoke a single word to. A year later I came back to the job and she had quit, but she dated a friend of mine which is why she was visiting. Anyways, I'm going off topic...

She bought me a bunch of tequila shots and she was obviously hitting on me, so I grabbed her and gave her a kiss. We go back to my friends house, he passes out and we go downstairs to fuck. All of a sudden this girl turns into a complete freak, at first I was ok with it, but then it got out of hand. It went from her asking me to pull her hair and smacking her ass to her biting my nipples, lip and neck...drawing blood the whole time. After the immense pain she kept putting me through I couldn't take it anymore and I couldn't keep it hard. It was a shame too, although she wasn't all that hot, she had the most perfect tits I've ever seen...too bad her face wasn't that way.

Story number two is less my fault and can be blamed on what I did throughout the day. My friend Bill and I went to Baltimore, we were only going to stay for the day because we both had to work the next day, but we brought a whole bunch of drugs with us anyways. Before we went to a 50 cent drink night (all drinks 50 cents) we had already smoked weed, taken vicodin, snorted a pile of coke, smoked a little bit of crack and I tried heroin for the first time (I snorted that too, it wasn't much fun). So with every drug that the D.A.R.E. officer told you to avoid when you were eleven, I also got shitfaced and went home with my friend Robin who was also very (and only) drunk. We get to her house and immediately go to her bed, I did the whole foreplay thing, fingering, eating and kissing before I put it in. We go for about a half hour before my body decides to quit on me and I just pass out right on top of her. The last thing I remember is rolling over and dying in her bed, I woke up a few hours later to try again, but it wasn't happening. The next day I gave her a hug and went home.

[poomcgoo]

I went out to Umass Amherst to visit a few friends this past summer.  I fucking love that place because it's so easy to get laid and the parties are always incredible.  I treat a trip to Amherst like it's binge-week and if a minute ever passes where a beer isn't in my hand, I consider the trip a massive failure.

In keeping the tradition alive, we got fucking HAMMERED -- I'm talking can't-walk-blacking-out drunk.  To put this into some kind of perspective, one of the guys I went up with is about 6'6" 290 lbs and can drink more than anyone I've ever seen.  We'll call him "Dan."  We obtained a minivan from some retarded drunk girl at a party.  Yes, she gave 5 strangers her keys and her vehicle and didn't come along.  I'll never forget driving just past west campus as Dan casually opens the door to puke his shit all over the place.  Literally within four seconds he goes from leaning his head out the door, to being completely ejected by the van.  He fell out of the passenger seat of a minivan, HEAD FIRST, at 20ish mph.  We pull over drunk as shit to find him lying in a pool of his own blood with an unidentifiable face.  This is a story in itself, but for purposes of the sex story, that's just how fucking drunk we were.

Anyways, later that night, I'm dropping people off in said minivan.  It gets down to just myself and one girl who we'd been with all night.  Then and there she starts blowing me.  I'm driving around lost, with this girls mouth wrapped around me, drunk, and beating the shit out of this random minivan.  I open my phone at this point to check out the booty call list that I had going up there.  WHILE this girl is blowing me, I call up this gorgeous asian girl who I make a point to fuck every time I'm up there.  I'm talking to her and all of a sudden the girl on my dick starts really going at it.  I desperately needed to hang up but I never mentioned that I was coming to fuck the girl.  As I'm talking to the asian chick about meeting up with her (at about 4:30 am) I lose it mid-sentence.  I blow in this girl's face while I'm on the phone with another literally halfway through asking her if she wants to fuck.  She definitely knew what was going on, but she never called me on it so she told me to come by.

I spend the next 15 minutes rabidly searching for girl #1's dorm.  Her shitty directions only intensified the problem.  I get to her place, make up some bullshit story about how the girl on the phone was someone in Boston and how I need to go find my friends and go to bed.  Girl #1 buys it, no questions.  She says "call me" as she walks off.  I fly down to the John Adams dorm where some oriental ass is waiting for me. 

I walk up to her room and open the door.  I reply to her "hello" with a stern "what the fuck."  I look around her 2-person dorm room and there are fucking 8 kids sprawled out on every fucking surface.  "Sorry, my roomate had a party and all these kids were passed out when I got back."  I look up to her bed and see a dude whose face is painted in vomit.  Looks like we got the floor tonight.

We lay out a sleeping bag and proceed to fuck on the tile floor in front of these 8 passed out fucks.  I was too drunk to give a shit and she was too hot to turn down.  We fucked for-fucking-ever.  I was a fucking marathon runner and she loved it.  Booze + Percocet and you'll have to force yourself to finish.  I forgot how loud she was, and about 30 mins of her screaming all these kids started to wake up.  All I could think is "what the fuck am I doing?  Seriously, what. the fuck. is going on here?"

I thought about stopping for a minute or two, but at this point everybody had seen us and I was "falling-out-of-a-van" drunk.  This girl was the hottest asian chick I'd ever seen, too, and while I don't really have a thing for asians, there are some exceptions -- she is one.  So there we are fucking for another 20 minutes in front of these fucking retards and I made a mess of her face for the grand finale.  They came for a show and I came on her face -- did we all not win in the end?

EDIT: I almost forgot.  I woke up the next morning and found a voicemail from Girl #1 telling me to come back and sleep with her.  I'm glad I didn't, because what kind of story would that have been?

[gpw11]

One time I came home from the bar wasted and violently masturbated. It was horrible.*







*This is an inside joke no one here is in on, but it's been my answer to all 'funniest sex stories or worst sexual parter' questions in things like drinking games for years.  It's a tribute to a good friend and ex roomate of mine.

[Quemaqua]

I won't bother to say what these stories make me think of you people.

I have no embarrassing sex stories, really.  Most of my sexual encounters have been rather positive.  There was one time when a girl I'd been friends with for a long time started coming on to me a lot, and she was really into me and just wouldn't leave me alone.  I was on the rebound and had very little willpower, so she kind of did me favors for like a month and I just couldn't say no.  Or reciprocate, apparently.  When it came time for her to call it in and get me to do something in return, I tried to go down on her and just failed completely.  I wasn't into it at all.  We actually managed to stay good friends for a long time despite the oddness of that episode, but it was pretty embarrassing being *so* not into someone that I couldn't even force myself through what wouldn't have needed to be a particularly long sexual act.  The funny thing is that before that I had been kind of sexually obsessed with her for a little while.  Talk about bad timing.  I still feel like a bit of a tool for that whole thing.

Oh, and this isn't exactly a sex story given that it isn't about any particular single encounter, nor is it even a particularly good story, but... I have little to contribute.  Anyway, once I was with this girl in a similar situation to the above, and she was really into me... but she was super smart and kind of different from me on a social level, so I kind of backed away from her because I didn't think it would work, despite the fact that she'd been, uh, favoring me rather highly for a while.  About a year later, after things had been odd between us because of the previous situation and the excuses I'd made to get out of it, I ended up dating her best friend, who was off at college.  We talked for a while and I met up with her when she was back home from school, and we only seriously dated for maybe a month, but it just made everything super awkward, especially since this girl was... not sexually prolific in terms of partners, but in terms of how much stuff she was always ready to do at any given time.  Didn't look the type at all, either.  She wasn't hot at all.  She was actually super pale, but she was pretty... and I was really into her.  Anyway, I got paid back for the debacle big time when she dumped me for this shitty drunken idiot at a party later on.  I sort of saw it coming, but it sucked because I *really* liked her.  This guy was so drunk that he had been pouring daiquiris down his pants, and yet I still managed to lose out to him.  Fuck.  In retrospect, that was more embarrassing than having to confront the other girl after dating her friend.

[poomcgoo]

I won't bother to say what these stories make me think of you people.

Don't bother saying that either then.

[Quemaqua]

What, we're not allowed to make fun of each other anymore?

[idolminds]

So this one time I had sex with a prostitute to get my health back up and then forgot to kill her to get my money back. I felt so ashamed I ran over random pedestrians for like 2 hours.

[beo]

haha. i don't have any stories of the magnitude of what's been posted here so far, but i'll share...

i guess my most embarrassing sexual moment was fucking a really fat girl in my friend's parents bed, being caught in the act, and then a bunch of my mates rushing in and laughing at me. i didn't mean to, i just got talking about music with her, she mistook it for flirting and pounced on me. i was too drunk and desperate to pass it up... she was a nice enough girl, but eesh. that was pretty shameful.

[poomcgoo]

I thought you were saying something else   
(Que)

[Quemaqua]

Hell, your sex stories are all I've got.  When you get down to it, my *life* is an embarrassing sex story.  I love my wife more than anything, but we have sex basically.... I guess maybe once a month at this point.  Sometimes more, if we're lucky.  And this is coming from two very affectionate people.  With her condition, we basically get to do it when the moon and stars are in proper alignment and a small child has been sacrificed to the carnal love goddess of the seventh circle of hell.  She just can't most of the time.  If I had a dollar for every time both of us wanted to, tried, and failed because it just wasn't physically possible due to pain or whatever else, I'd have enough money to go invest in the stock market.  And even when it happens you can imagine how long it lasts.  No "hey, let's just go until 3 in the morning" stuff because for her that would be the rough equivalent of being raped with sandpaper while being beaten with a hammer.  So yeah, I'll certainly say that I resent you fuckers who can be getting blown by somebody while on their way to go hump somebody else.  90% of the time, I'd kill to have sex with a fat girl.  Or, you know, a burn victim.  Maybe an amputee.  Here I am being the guy doing the "right and proper" thing, being completely committed and devoted to a woman who needs me, and my reward is a lifetime of sexual dissatisfaction.  I suffer this way gladly and without complaint most of the time just for the benefit of being married to her, but let me tell you, there are days, like today, when all I want to do is throw myself out of a fucking window.

[ScaryTooth]

I think the fourth time I was with Megan sexually, she was on the bed on her hands and knees on the right side of the bed. I had my right leg off the bed and was standing on it, and my left leg on the bed. Well, I lost my balance at some point and fell to the right, into the lamp on the night stand breaking it....That was pretty embarrassing. Thats pretty much all I can think of.

[scottws]

This guy was so drunk that he had been pouring daiquiris down his pants, and yet I still managed to lose out to him.  Fuck. 

That's not so bad.  I got dumped for a gay dude once.  Obviously my ex-girlfriend wasn't aware of that fact, but to everyone else it was completely obvious.  That put me pretty down in the dumps.

Oh well, it was for the best.  I don't know why I liked her in the first place.  Convenience I guess.  She lived next to my best friend.

[Ghandi]

I don't have one. Does that make me boring?

[poomcgoo]

Ok then, here's another...

Freshman year.  The frat house here rented out a big club in Boston -- Avalon if you're familiar.  They don't do this anymore because of a new law in Boston about nightclubs and underage drinkers, but these were the best parties I've ever been to.  Think massive house party, but inside a club.  There were about 200 people and they were all people I knew or were friends with.  Nobody else was allowed inside, and the VIP section was open to whomever.  Somehow they got away with serving a bunch of freshmen alcohol, too, so everyone was trashed.

My roomate at the time was sitting with me at the bar as we were pounding drink after drink.  $25 for an open bar and I'm only 18?  Fuck yes.  Girls come and go as we continue to drink and dance.  I remember one really hot girl coming up to me and introducing herself.  She was half spanish or something -- really tanned with a gorgeous body.  I was drunk off my fucking ass, but a 30 mg adderall kept me on point with the girls for most of the night.  I can't even remember what I said or what she said but soon enough I found myself headed to the bathroom with her.  She turned back and gave me the "fuck me" eyes as we headed downstairs and rounded the corner.  The fucking line for the bathroom was at least 15 people long.  She looked about ready to give up, but her eyes already told me she wanted to fuck, so I wasn't about to lie down and die.

We walk past the bathrooms and I push a door open that was a few rooms down.  Empty -- fuck yes.  See, the downstairs part of this place was all decked out like a club too, but tonight it was closed off so everybody was upstairs.  The only people who even went downstairs were people in the bathrooms. 

So I'm making out with her trying to make the move onto heavy petting.  Apparently she thinks like a horny drunk college guy because she was one step ahead of me unzipping my pants.  We're tearing each others clothes off, trying to make out drunk, in some dark fucking back room that we randomly stepped into.  At the time, I was a fucking genius freshman and it was a flawless plan.  5 minutes go by and my pants are at my ankles and she's got nothing of note on her body either.  She's giving me head, but I just wanted to turn her around.  I pull her off me, let her know it's going down and bend her over.  At this point, I'm fucking the shit out of this random girl in a random club in a random room with no lights on.  At the time, my mind was thinking "I'm fucking the shit out of this random girl in a random club in a random room with no lights on.  I'm a fucking king!" 

It didn't hit me until the lights came on.  I totally lost track of where I was -- I forgot about everything but "Hey I'm fucking this hot chick! Awesome!"  The lights come on.  Let me reiterate:

The lights ARE on.

I'm looking down at this girl grabbing her toes and I take a good 15 seconds to figure out what the fuck is happening.  Let's see... I'm having sex, but where am I?  Well this isn't my room, let's look around.  Oh right, it's Avalon -- I was out tonight.  This room doesn't look familiar though?  Who turned the lights on?  Better question, who is this guy looking at us?

"Hey what the fuck is this?"

A man dressed as a bartender confronts me.  Apparently we were fucking in the liquor room -- looking around the room, I saw the cage they kept all the bottles in and various glasses, coasters, napkins and whatnot.  The bartender came down to get a fresh bottle of liquor for all the thirsty customers upstairs.  I'm not quite sure what happened next, but whatever he was working on up in his head made him bust out laughing.  I think it had something to do with me fucking in the liquor closet.  I'm standing there, drunk as shit next to a girl who is now hiding behind some stacked up barstools trying to apologize to this guy.  My pants have not yet made it back around my waist.

For a good 10 seconds, I was trying to reason with this hysterical bartender with a major erection and no pants.  At this point, I realized the problem at hand and quickly buttoned up.  The guy let us back upstairs and thanked us for giving him a laugh.  She was too freaked out and left, and all of a sudden I was met with a new, even bigger problem: blue balls.

[Xessive]

I guess the only somewhat embarrassing part I have is my first time. It was technically rape considering I was asleep when it started, and I woke up midway. I freaked out for a little while, then realized I had to make the best of a bad situation. I grabbed her, pinned her on the bed, and lost myself in an angry/horny rage. I didn't know what I was supposed to do considering the circumstances, but I guess I was "asking for it."

Anyway, the aftermath is what creeped me out the most.. Warning: this may get nasty! When I switched the lights on I realized that we were practically covered in blood! My back was scratched up, my chest was raw, and she was.. well.. she was satisfied, but also nearing the end of her cycle. I was freaking out coz I thought I broke my ding dong, but it was later revealed to be her blood.

So, what have I learned? Dude getting raped by a chick: not as cool as some of us think it is, not usually the sex you're looking for. Secondly if a chick is spending the night at your house, regardless of whether or not you expect to be banging her it's a good idea to make a note of what time of the month it is. And finally screaming at the thought that you accidentally peeled your banana is not particularly attractive.

[angrykeebler]

I guess the only somewhat embarrassing part I have is my first time. It was technically rape considering I was asleep when it started, and I woke up midway. I freaked out for a little while, then realized I had to make the best of a bad situation. I grabbed her, pinned her on the bed, and lost myself in an angry/horny rage. I didn't know what I was supposed to do considering the circumstances, but I guess I was "asking for it."

Anyway, the aftermath is what creeped me out the most.. Warning: this may get nasty! When I switched the lights on I realized that we were practically covered in blood! My back was scratched up, my chest was raw, and she was.. well.. she was satisfied, but also nearing the end of her cycle. I was freaking out coz I thought I broke my ding dong, but it was later revealed to be her blood.

So, what have I learned? Dude getting raped by a chick: not as cool as some of us think it is, not usually the sex you're looking for. Secondly if a chick is spending the night at your house, regardless of whether or not you expect to be banging her it's a good idea to make a note of what time of the month it is. And finally screaming at the thought that you accidentally peeled your banana is not particularly attractive.

...................................

[Pugnate]

I don't know that man.

Keebler is my new friend.

[Ghandi]

Keebler is my new friend.

THE SKY IS FALLING!

As for X's post, are you serious? Reading over it a few times I have to think that you are joking...but you never know...

[Xessive]

Ok, I may have shared a little too much information.. Damn you nicklone for your subliminal encouragement! I guess I could play it off as thread-relevant nasty joke.. Nah, not worth it.. Already spilled the beans.

So there, now I can relate to all those stories about how the "first time" generally sucks.

I know, ha ha, a guy got raped by a chick, real funny.. Actually now that I think about it, it was kinda funny.. At least now I can look back at it and laugh. To this day I thank my lucky stars that the one time I did get raped it was a by a chick.. I'll take that over any prison story.

I guess that scenario could have potentially fooked up my sex life, and perhaps my mind.. It wasn't particularly traumatic or anything, just kinda shocking.. But I'm sure any of you guys coulda handled it.

We sat down and talked about it afterwards.. I also found out that she had a boyfriend in Toronto.. Pretty weird chick.. I guess most art chicks are weird..

Thankfully, I have never had to experience anything even remotely resembling that situation again. I think it kinda gave me a perspective on sexuality, and now I'm pretty picky about who I lay down with.

Anyway, did I win the thread.. in a sick/twisted kinda way?

EDIT:
Also, I am glad to have involuntarily brought Pug and Keeblstein closer.

[angrykeebler]

You won.



Now let us never speak of it again.

[Xessive]

That was kinda awkward Thanks for listening/reading guys!

So.. what's goin' on?

[poomcgoo]

Whoa man, violent encounter there.

I can't say I've been there, but I have had the shit scratched and clawed out of me by some psycho bitch who liked it a little too rough, unknown to me.  I mean, it's not totally uncommon to get a girl who claws a little when she's heating up, but she clawed away at my entire fucking body.  I got pissed halfway through and made a rude comment, but she was too into it to stop scratching, let alone to hear me.  I woke up the next morning looking like I survived an encounter with a brown bear.  Not super embarassing, but I definitely wore long sleeves for a few days.