but not before I can acquire a nice case of the clap.
My iphone bricked during a firmware update that itunes has been practically begging me to do everytime I want to hear a fucking song, so now, inconvenienced by not having a phone I had to drive 40 minutes to the lovely landfill dubbed Providence, Rhode Island to seek out the elusive Apple store. I filled this one smug motherfucker in with my story while he adjusted his pretentious-intellectual-but-still-sensitive emo faggot frames, and feigned a clue.
"Uhhhh, well this is a bit of a quandry now isn't it? HAHAHA"
I swear, this guy cocked his head back about 80 degrees, looked a good 9 inches up in my eye and let that one fly. I wanted to be such a fucking dick to him -- maybe bring up how his mother didn't love him enough, or that his virginity is hidden under his greasy fucking mop-top, or even about how 5 foot 6 really is short regardless of age or average height, and that people like me really do take great pleasure in literally looking down on him and the top of his little tiny head -- but at that point I still thought I had a chance these fucks could do something along the lines of fixing my fucking expensive piece of apple shit.
"Let me try a little diagnostic here," he said. He plugged the thing into one of the macs and opened itunes to do a factory restore, ignoring what I told him about me trying this at home about 20 times.
"...This isn't looking good."
"...Nope, theres nothing I can do. Hardware problem, have you looked at the 3Gs? It's nice. You said you had a PC right? That could also be your issue. HAHAHA Just playing, man."
If you had a wife I'd be "just playing" with her.
I really couldn't articulate anything back to the guy. I got a tingly sensation in my brain and a firey warmth that ascended my spine as if I took one too many bad ecstasy pills. If I could have seen my own pupils, they'd have been deep, arterial red judging from the way the short smug little man removed himself from my presence. At that moment yesterday afternoon I felt closer to hell than I ever have before.
I wasn't even going to write more than the first line of this post, but that Steve Jobs and his cult organization just gets my ears all steamy, and for that reason I would like to invite him to suck my big chlamydia flavored dick.
