Topic: Selling my parent's POS old car

[gpw11]

Parents moving, no parking for the '96 Corolla they have insured but never, ever drive.  It actually runs perfectly, but is a bit beat up on the outside.  Basically, they want very little for it: just looking to get rid of it.  I thought I'd take the opportunity to write a funny craigslist ad (probably tomorrow, maybe the next day) to see what kind of rejects reply to those (my last experiment in this was hilarious).

So, anyway, writing the ad in the next couple of days and I'm going to include a couple stupid pictures with it that I put together (jack-off photo shop job with the car with a eye-patch on, shit like that).  You're all a creative bunch:  I'm going to post a couple of pictures here and if anyone wants, they can do something stupid/ridiculous to the car and I can say something about that.  If no one does, totally cool - more of a fun thing than an actual request of any kind.

Also, if you want a piece of shit Corolla, let me know.

[gpw11]

I just hammered out a draft ad.  I have to clean it up tomorrow and post it, but let me know what you think.  Also, probably asking $1000.  Someone might be retarded.

1996:

-Chess computer "Deep Blue" defeats world chess champion Garry Kasparov for the first time.
-First time man clones an adorable sheep.  God gets all uppity.
-Donovan Bailey wins gold for the men’s 100 m in Atlanta.  Ben Johnson still voted “Most Jacked”
-high school girlfriend finally put out (slut).
- Bill Clinton gets re-elected.  Goes on to bang interns like a total pimp.
-Also the year that humanity set their differences aside and dedicated all their resources to engineering the magnum opus of automobile design:  The 1996 Toyota Corolla Plus…and then painted it a sweet ass beige colour so it’d be totally camouflaged when it parked on the beach to crush beers with high school kids.

“What’s that?”, you say? “’96 Corolla?”  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking but before you go and move on to browsing lowered Civics (click on “Richmond” at the top, dumbass) let me point out that this isn’t your mom’s ’96 Corolla…it’s my mom’s ‘Rolla…and that chick is hardcore.  So hardcore that she doesn’t give a fuck about driving in snow – she bought goddamn snow tires for that and they’re included…because once ’96 ‘Rolla touches a pair of tires they won’t have anything to do with any of the other chump cars out there.

This car has seen shit, man.  Roughly 200,000 KM worth of shit and didn’t blink an eye.  This car stared death in the eye every time I slid the key down my arm, guided it into the ignition with my finger, closed one eye, and took off down the road – and it made it through every time.  It did that because it’s a fighter and it handles like a dream.   The super-geniuses who post over at Edmunds.com give this car 4.5/5 stars, and those guys know what they’re talking about because they post about it on the internet.

Because this sweet ride was built during the era of awesomeness, it includes a combination condom holder/ashtray.  For those of you considering buying a lame-ass new car, let me point out that those only come with change holders.  What are you, a poor person?  You don’t need to hold onto your change:  you need to throw it at the homeless while you have sex and smoke awesome sticks. 

I’d go into more boring-ass details about the engine and stuff, but I’d have to look it up.  The car’s maintained but it’s from 1996 and, statistically, the majority of things that were around in ’96 are either dying or expected to die soon.   Scientists agree that the ‘Rolla is probably an exception to this rule.  Probably.   

Because I don’t want to bore you facts and numbers here, I’m just going to let you get back to me with any questions you may have about this mofo. In the meantime, I’ve gone ahead and answered what I assume will be frequently asked questions below:


‘Rolla FAQs


Q: Will this car get me ass?

A: Hells yes.  And don’t mean  it’ll do it all passive-aggressive look-at-me style either: The ‘Rolla is an in-your-face type of car and this mother will actually physically go and get you some ass.  Being a total bitch and decided to go to work on A Monday?  Guess what? ‘Rolla don’t play that game and ‘Rolla may just decide you need some tail while you’re taking your shower and making your coffee. BAM! Get out to your driveway and see your car stacked with totally willing girls ranging from 7’s-10’s on the scale.  Big meeting you can’t miss about the Henderson account?  That’s cool, but ‘Rolla is probably going to enquire as to when you plan on telling your parents that you’re gay.  What, you are gay?  Whatever, ‘Rolla is from the 90’s:  ‘Rolla don’t judge.  What,  you’re an orphan and don’t have parents?  Oh hey:  Looks like you have that role model you’ve always wanted:  A badass 1996 Toyota Corolla that totally WILL beat the shit out of all the other kid’s pansy-ass dads.



Q:  Will this car make me a better person.

A: No, this car isn’t for you. This car will fucking eat you alive.  Go buy a bike. Bitch.



Q: Is this car a good investment?

A: ‘Rolla was raised cruising the streets of West Vancouver.  Hell, ‘Rolla RAN the streets of West Vancouver.  If you’re smart, the first thing you’ll do once you get your hands on this sweet ride is take a Shop Vac to it and recoup your investment from the remnants of diamond dust and blow trapped in the seats.



Q: How much trunk room are we looking at here?

A: Trunk will fit 7.3 metric children.  Less if you need to store your clown suit and candy in there.

[idolminds]

I will buy 10 of your automocars.

[gpw11]

I only have one, but I can charge you for ten?

[TheOtherBelmont]

Haha that ad is fucking hilarious dude!  Hopefully you get some responses.

[Quemaqua]

Hahaha... solid work, man, I laughed my ass off.

My suggestions: change "stared death in the eye" to "stared death in the face" to avoid overuse of "eye", and drop the "bitch" from the end of "go buy a bike" to maintain punchiness.

[ren]

I drive a 94 Corolla and it's still going strong. Maybe in another five to ten years when it craps out, I'll upgrade to a 96.

[gpw11]

Final ad posted to Craigslist twice and taken down twice.  Like, within 30 min.  What the fuck?  2 clicks away from a section where bug chasers can meet up with AIDS cases and I'm getting flagged for an unkown reason (I'm assuming someone got offended at something)? I certainly didn't have this problem last time this went down.

[Cobra951]

Take the kid out of the trunk and try again.  Just a hunch.

[Quemaqua]

That's a fair guess.

[gpw11]

Yeah, that was the first thing I did. Put it back up and it got removed immediately again.  Looked into it and it's all community moderation and I guess some people didn't like me sullying their pristine car classifieds with hilarity.  On Facebook marketplace now.  You all should like and reshare that shit.