Okay, so here's the deal. I finally got Windows 7 to install. It's not really worth relating the details because basically it just decided to work after not working for months. Go figure.
Anyway, now I have a new problem. I had to install from boot and go around my previous Windows install to get it to work properly, and because of this it won't let me enter my product key because it's an upgrade key and not a full key. I read several guides that indicated I should be able to easily work around this by either doing a regedit to reset something, which failed entirely, or by doing the "good old double-install trick", which is apparently accepted by Microsoft and yet won't work because Windows updated already and the version on my machine is now newer than the old.
As it stands now, I'd have to re-wipe the fucking OS, reinstall XP, and then reinstall Windows 7 again. Or possibly try to install Windows 7 twice over again. And this, of course, only if it actually decides to detect my hard drives (which I never did find a solution for).
So I'm sincerely hoping one of you guys has a magical trick to make this work. I'm getting to the point where I'm half ready to throw this piece of shit in the garbage and install Linux.
EDIT - Well, I uninstalled every stupid update and got it to install again, and the double install trick doesn't work. The shit is still broken. I guess I'm going to have to either break down and call Microsoft or just pirate this bitch.
*sigh*
EDIT x2 - Done.