I've added bolded titled for anyone who wants to skip the history lesson in the first couple paragraphs. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but may not succeed. I've posted before about how I've lived with my parents most of my adult life and can't stand anyone in my family, aside from my brother (sometimes). At some point in a fit of rage I deleted my account here and that posts isn't in my history anymore.
Schizoid Personality DisorderI also posted back in 2007 about Schizoid Personality Disorder. Here:
http://www.overwritten.net/forum/index.php?topic=2960.msg36472#msg36472I never really updated anyone with what all happened, so I guess I'll pick up there. It felt great to finally have an answer to what had been going on in my head, though now 10 years later I've come to realize it was the wrong answer. I spent over a year seeing the SPD-experienced therapist and got nowhere. He kept telling me to get a job, and if I wasn't happy, just "fake it 'till you make it". I got a job stocking overnight at Walmart, and within a week I quit due to stress and anxiety attacks. (At the time I didn't know they were anxiety/panic attacks, I just knew I was super stressed). They even assigned me a "community support" mentor of sorts, who would take me out to get coffee or whatever, to sort of get me out into social situations to get me used to it. He was surprised I considered myself socially averse, because I got along with people well and was so well mannered. (I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous or stressed in my head.) After a while he gave up on me and asked for them to assign someone else to me. He was frustrated with my lack of progress and I was really holding onto the "I hate people" mentality. (Which I now realize was a way to turn fear and depression into anger, as a coping mechanism.) Eventually the therapist's office lost access to funding for people without insurance and I had to stop going. Back to limbo for me.
Back in therapy shortly, but with no progressA few years later I was in a bad spot emotionally and decided to call the local mental health crisis line to try to get back into therapy. I saw a therapist, and she suggested that maybe I had Asperger's Syndrome. She said it wounded like it fit, and I was convinced. She gave me the number to a place that she said did screenings for free. I went home and called, and they said they don't do them for free anymore, and it would be $1200 if I don't have insurance. I went back to see the therapist and she said there's not much else she can do, as Asperger's has no cure or treatment. She suggested a few books on the topic of living with Asperger's and adapting to life. I didn't follow up on any of that.
Back in therapy again, and gaining understanding (new info from this year starts here)Fast forward to March of 2017 and I found myself feeling particularly bad, and again I called the local mental health crisis line. They got me in for a new patient visit. During the whole assessment process, we hit on a point that had been skipped over or brushed away as nothing with every therapist I'd ever seen. She asked if I'd ever experienced any physical or sexual abuse as a child. I said yes, and she asked me if that was an ongoing issue for me. In the past I'd said no to this question, but this time I said, "I don't know". We talked about it, and how it may have possibly had an impact on me. Instead of talking about how much I hate people, and how I'm an extreme introvert and prefer to be alone... I was crying and talking about how afraid I am of social interaction, because I find it nearly impossible to trust anyone. Also years of super strict religious parents telling me how evil sex is compounded my issues. OK, new diagnosis. PTSD as a result of childhood sexual trauma.
Sticking with therapy and making progressSo they put me with a therapist that specializes in trauma. Rape victims, abuse victims, etc. It took about 4 months, but I finally got to where I could really be open with her and feel comfortable. Eye contact was a big part of that. I usually avoid eye contact, especially when talking about things I'm uncomfortable with. We recognized that and I sort of forced myself to stop looking at the wall when talking about these things far in my past that bothered me so much. Being able to do that, and not feel judged, was a huge turning point. Once I really felt comfortable and could talk about things, holy shit what a difference. For the first time in my life, I was really opening up and felt like I could literally talk about anything with someone. This felt life-changing and I looked forward to therapy every week. It was great to get out of this house, and I was getting a level of human interaction that I hadn't even thought was possible. I've been hiding from this my whole life.
We were focusing on a type of therapy called EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Basically you focus on a traumatic event, then do a 20-30 second eye movement exercise. The therapist moves their finger side to side and you follow it with your eyes and let your mind drift. You typically jump to memories that your brain lumps in with the target memory, usually because they share emotional states. I honestly didn't get how this was supposed to help, other than it was supposed to allow you to reprocess those events that your mind has avoided to try to protect you emotionally. When we first started, my therapist asked me what I felt in the moment from my childhood that we were focusing on. Guilt, shame, and fear. She also asked me what I wanted to feel instead, and I said "acceptance." After a few weeks, I had forgotten this and was wondering if the process worked, or if maybe I wasn't doing it right. Then one day I felt particularly at ease talking to the therapist, and she told me to jump back to the target memory, focus on it, and tell her what I was feeling. I said, "acceptance." I was talking about the scariest moment of my life, a moment I didn't even like to think about, let alone talk about. She was being completely non-judgemental and I feel at ease. Accepted. My entire outlook on life has been different since that day.
The government swoops in to cut me offIt was literally right at this time, the same week that I had this big moment, that became my last week in 1 on 1 therapy. Funding changes meant that I couldn't attend private sessions anymore. Group therapy only. This was at the beginning of August. Damn this hurt. I had begun to depend on the escape from my home life, and the human contact I was getting that I'd never had before. I still had group therapy, but it's wasn't nearly the same.
And now to the homeless part... finallyI'm currently in the process of trying to get on disability. I have a lawyer who I won't have to pay until I get on disability. If I back out though, I would have to pay for the time and work put in on my case. I have zero money. If I could get and somehow hold a job, that would jeopardize my claim of not being able to work. I've been living with my mom and brother (my parents are divorced now), and they're getting evicted in 7 days. There are 4 homeless shelters in the area, and 3 of them only take men if they have a learning disability or have kids. The last one is 40 miles from my therapist's office, and I really don't want to stop doing group therapy, as it feels like the one thing that's holding me afloat mentally. (I attend 2 group therapy sessions per week, Thursdays and Fridays, both hosted by the therapist I was seeing for 1 on 1 sessions.) I won't be able to afford gas to drive those 40 miles twice a week. I thought about making the drive on Thursday, sleep in the van that night, then drive back Friday afternoon. That's still a lot of gas money I don't have. I literally have like $3 to spare in the bank. I've been getting gas and grocery money from my mom and brother, but they won't give it to me once I'm not staying with them. There's a local program that finds homes for people like me, but part of the application is a form that must be filled out by a psychiatrist or MD stating your legal disability. I saw the psychiatrist at my therapist's office and she wouldn't sign it. She said the wording on it sounded like it was asking for her to declare me legally disabled, and she didn't have the authority to do that. The guy that runs the program said he might be able to get me a house with rent and electric covered, but without that psychiatrist signature I don't know if he can do anything. My last hope is that my mom and brother find a place that has room for me and allow me to keep living with them. I really hate the idea of staying with them anymore, but it's better than being homeless. My father has room for me, but has mold under the floorboards that has caused me serious medical issues every time I've stayed there. For health reasons, it's really not an option.
My thoughts and ideas on how to survive homelessness-I have a van. It's in my dad's name, he owns it outright, and pays the insurance on it. I'm on his policy as well. So that's free access to a vehicle large enough to hold my twin bed in the back. Gas is the only issue.
-I still need to check with food pantries in the area. The only money I will have for food is whatever I can get my family to give me, and they're all broke. I've been losing weight on low a low carb diet, but I'm going to have to switch to whatever is cheap and will last a day or two in the car.
-Monday morning I'm going down to Social Services and hopefully talk to a social worker. Food stamps are limited to 3 months per 3 years if you're a non-disabled adult without a job, and I've already used mine. I'm hoping they'll make an exception because of my situation or something. I'm not holding my breath though. Also maybe they'll have some other form of emergency assistance.
-I'm supposed to be getting $50 for some yard work I did this month, probably the first week of the October. I'm thinking I should spend some of that on a gym membership. I've been wanting one anyway, and this will give me a place to shower daily. If they're open 24 hours a day, I may be able to park there and sleep.
-Walmart parking lots are supposedly safe and legal for overnight parking, but it can vary by location.
-I've read that public libraries are a good place to hang out. You can spend time reading to fill the day, and charge electronics. (I have a smartphone, also paid for by my dad, so that's a free resource as well).
