Topic: I Admit, I'm An Addict (Long)

[nickclone]

Before I get started here, I want everyone to know that this is not a thread where I'm asking for guidance or advice. The reason I left last time was because people thought the stories I was telling for fun were cries for help. This story is not a cry for help, but it is also not a fun story. I want you all to know that your advice will be receipted and appreciated, I won't take it personally if you decide to give it to me. With that out of the way, on with the story.

Yesterday, someone I know died. I don't know what to label this person, so I'll have to give a bit of a backstory to explain it all. 33 years ago my dad knocked up my mom, while she was visiting her OB/GYN (thats the vagina doctor for those of you who don't know) she met another pregnant mother and they became friends. To cement their friendship, their expecting babies were both born on the same day. One was my older brother, the other (was of course) the other woman's youngest son. When I was born, I knew the other woman's family ( her name was Joyce) as my own family. When her oldest child and daughter, had children, I played with then and became close to them. Her oldest daughter was named Tammy, had three children and the oldest was Bill. Bill was a quiet kid, the older than his twin brother and sister, a little heavier and had horrible grades. When his parents got divorced he took it kind of hard, but I was there for him most of the time and played games with him and babysat him. However, when I got older (we're 8 years apart) I lost touch.

I just found out yesterday that at the age of 14, Bill is dead. A month ago he was fine, but he became horribly ill, withered away and died. I had no idea that he was even sick and when I found out he was dead...I didn't feel anything. Thats how I know I'm an addict.

This little kid, who used to come to me when he was sad, tell me his deepest secrets and show me all types of love is dead and I didn't know he was dying and I still don't feel anything when I think on it deeply. I've realized that I do drugs to detach myself from reality...and it worked. I don't know anyone anymore, I don't feel anything anymore and I don't care anymore.

The only thing that really got to me, was when my mom told me about his last few hours on Earth. I was told that he knew that he was dying a few weeks before he died and even though he was trying his best to cope with it; his last few hours made it real for him. Minutes before dying he told his mom "I'm going to die, I'm scared".

You'd think such a tradegy close to home would get some type of reaction out of me right? Well...you're reading it. I realized I'm an addict because I don't feel anything anymore. Have a bad day at work? Get fucked up! Have a good day at work? Get fucked up!  Get sad, get mad, get...nothing, Get fucked up!Get fucked up!Get fucked up!

The biggest thing I think I should feel is guilt, I've felt like I should feel that way for a long time. People around me always get hurt, the people around me always die or have misfortune succumb them. Yet nothing bad ever happens to me, at least not in the same magnitude as everyone else.  I should've died 20 times over by now, but nothing bad ever goes down for me. Some other people have noticed this and told me I'm "blessed", to me it feels like a curse.

This post isn't a call for empathy or sympathy, I'm using it as an outlet to get this off my chest. I want you all to know that you can feel free to say whatever you want in this thread, I won't take it personally like last time.

[idolminds]

Well they say the first step is admitting it.

[Pugnate]

So you are feeling guilty for not feeling guilty?

Also is it really possible to experiment with drugs and something bad not happen? I am actually wondering. Are there people who get away with it?

[nickclone]

So you are feeling guilty for not feeling guilty?

Also is it really possible to experiment with drugs and something bad not happen? I am actually wondering. Are there people who get away with it?

The worst thing thats happened to me that was drug related was when I got busted for possession ( I didn't even get busted for it. there were 4 of us in the car and since no one claimed it we all caught the wrap), even then i got off scot free.

[Ghandi]

Also is it really possible to experiment with drugs and something bad not happen? I am actually wondering. Are there people who get away with it?

Yes, although generally the reason they get away with it is because they didn't like it and don't want to do it again. Lots of times if you do something and like it you want to do it again.

As for the original post, it's good that you realize that you are an addict, but does that mean you want to quit? As Idol says realizing the problem is step 1 but actually doing something about it is a different story. You don't have to answer that it's just a question to ponder I guess. Anyways, go to rehab. I don't care one way or the other but I think that it would be best for you.

[Antares]

I really don't know what to say, other than to wish you luck and say I can't imagine what you are going through right now.

[Raisa]

*pats*

You've taken the first step by just typing all that out.

i think you do feel something or you wouldn't have posted all that. 

i don't know, guilt is something you feel when you've done something wrong.. that's what i think anyway..  sadness and guilt... two diff things that i used to mix up.

i guess life goes on..  you'll prolly miss the person sooner or later.. for me, when someone dies.. i usually dont' feel anything first.. not till it finally hits that i won't see the person anymore ever again.. it's like they went on a long vacation.. but death is death.. just one of those things that really happens.

[poomcgoo]

What kind of drugs are we talking about here?  Do you have one vice in particular or is it a variety of things?

Also is it really possible to experiment with drugs and something bad not happen? I am actually wondering. Are there people who get away with it?

More than you'd think.  My mom used to work at a psych ward near our house and I went to work with her once when I was young.  I saw a guy who lived two houses down from us who has a great job, a caring family, and a nice house recovering from a heroin overdose.  He hid it so well and he functioned just like anybody else -- provided he had his heroin fix.

Even myself -- I've had my share of experiences with drugs.  Sometimes I'll get to a point where I look at my surroundings or look at myself and wonder what the hell I'm doing, but I never once considered myself an addict.  There were definitely times that I'd do enough to be considered an addict, and there are few drugs that I haven't tried, but I never truly felt my life get affected enough by drugs to not do them whenever I feel like it.

Nick, I know my shit about drugs.  I've done lots of them and I go to school for it -- they pretty much go hand in hand.  I don't know if you planned on trying to quit or not, but either way if you ever have any questions I can pretty much guarantee I know the answer. 

[beo]

that sucks nick. don't know what else to say, but good luck and all that.

on the possibility of experimenting and nothing bad happening - well i don't know. i think everyone who messes about with the heavier stuff for an extended period will have a good few stories regarding the perils. you just have to weigh up the good versus the bad, and decide for yourself if it's worth it. every drug is different, and most people's reactions to each narcotic is going to vary a good bit. something i would confidently say is much safer, cheaper and with a far better pay off than alcohol is mdma (ecstasy). i don't want to advocate drug use, but it's clean, and always makes you feel amazing. you can appreciate the good in everyone and everything and blah - it's just warm, fast and lovely. the comedowns can suck, but it's no worse than a bad hangover.

[Raisa]

there are always side effects.. whether it comes out now or years from now.

i know someone who did so much of it, rockstar type from the 70's..  lived in those places where drugs are a-plenty, he thought there wouldn't be side effects.. it's all only coming out now.

i know someone who i've never visited when he wasn't stoned.. but you wouldn't think he was stoned..it's weird.. after having to deal with him, I stopped as soon as i could.

[WindAndConfusion]

something i would confidently say is much safer, cheaper and with a far better pay off than alcohol is mdma (ecstasy).

There are side effects.

i know someone who did so much of it, rockstar type from the 70's..  lived in those places where drugs are a-plenty, he thought there wouldn't be side effects.. it's all only coming out now.

Did so much of what? MDMA was only in psychiatric use in the 70's (ie no one was rolling at this point in time).

Plus, beo's right, statistically. One night using MDMA is safer than one night of heavy drinking. The marginal risk from being an ecstasy user is about 200 times lower than the marginal risk from being an alcohol user.

But this REALLY isn't the thread to be discussing this.

[nickclone]

There isn't a drug I don't like, even though I like some more than others. If I had to put them in order in how much I do them, I'm guessing the list would go something like this:

1. Alcohol
2. Painkillers
3. Weed
4. OTC
5. E
6.Coke

Everything else on the list isn't even worth mentioning because I've done it so few of times. Alcohol is by far my favorite with painkillers as a very close second (I usually mix the two). I smoke weed sometimes, but only if the situation is right, I'm a lightweight and it really kicks my ass. So if I've been drinking I'll only do it at the end of the night so I don't get sick and I won't smoke and go out in public (unless its a movie). When I feel the need for an epiphany I'll eat a box of coirciden, sort out my life and forget about the next day. As much as I love X, its not as safe as you think it is. The last time I did it I took way too much of a bad pill and ended up in the woods for two days fighting ghosts that were trying to kill me. When they found me I was carrying two giant logs in each hand that I was told one person could barely carry by themselves. As for coke...nothing bad has ever happened to me on that.

[beo]

well, yeah - pills can be messy. normally because they're mixed with something other than mdma. i've never had anything bad happen with crystal mdma - well not mentally anyway. i've sent my heart rate into overdrive when mixing with coke, and thought i was going to die a couple of times - but that was probably just the paranoia of the comedown. saying that, i've never had a bad pill either.

if you've tried ketamin for an extended period, i'd be interested on your opinion of that. i messed about with that for a while with my old housemate, and we, along with pretty much everyone i've spoken to since, think it's pure evil.

[poomcgoo]

The golden rule with drugs is obviously to just be careful.  It's really important to know what you're doing or what you're getting into if it's your first time with something.  Drug combinations can be good, but 90% of the time they're bad.  Painkillers and booze isn't a great mix if you don't know what you're doing, but it can be awesome if you can regulate. 

Beo, I've never tried ketamine, but a friend of mine has a few times and said he liked it.  How he described it sounded pretty fucked up, but he said it was a good kind of insanity, if there's a thing.  Did you inject it or were they the tablets?

Speaking of drugs, I've been awake since Sunday!

[beo]

inject...? hell, no! whenever i've done it, i've snorted it. the guys i bought it off used to get huge bottles of it in liquid form and then bake it in the oven until it crystallised.

it's certainly interesting. i'd say the insanity thing is pretty spot on. do it in smaller doses and it's just really stoney and quite fun, but in larger doses, it can get messy. it's different for everyone, but for me it was like a non visual trip where i could go into really odd places in my mind and think about things in a very different way. every time i did it, no matter if it was weeks later, i'd continue my weird little trip from where ever i left off. i came to some very weird understandings about myself, the nature of reality, death and all that other spiritual hippy shit while messing with ketamine - but trying to explain it all now would make me seem utterly insane. it's pretty heavy stuff, and for the wellbeing of my mind, i don't intend to touch it again.

the people who i used to buy it from have stopped selling because they started hearing voices and shit when they weren't even high. it can really fuck you up.