Author Topic: The Messed Up Wish Thread.  (Read 7173 times)

Offline Quemaqua

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The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« on: Tuesday, July 17, 2007, 11:30:18 PM »
I found this at another site I frequent and thought it was a laugh riot, so figured I'd spread the love.

The premise is simple: make a wish!  Then the next person to post grants your wish, but does their best to fuck it up completely.  Then they make a wish, and the cycle continues.  To avoid confusion, I'll list an entry from a friend and then from me made to the original thread which spawned this.  Bear in mind that most people don't like to go into quite as much detail as I do, but... to each his own.

Quote
(in response to a wish someone made to be a Dragon)

Granted!  You're a dragon and you do all sorts of dragon like things and attracting a lot of attention to yourself.
You're going along, searching for princesses to steal when a whole bunch of Apache helicopters surround you and give you a thorough thrashing with missiles.

I wish I were back in Japan for the rest of the summer.



Quote
Granted and then some!  You head back to Japan, enjoying the beautiful Japanese summer, when out of nowhere you get horribly violated by a massive swarm of cicadas, zombies, and zombie cicadas led by a an even MORE vicious gang of equally violation-prone tentacle monsters.  Upon returning to America, you realize that certain sensitive areas of your physical shell will never be the same again, and you vow to go to war with the Japanese for filming your ordeal and selling it on the internet to creepy middle aged men who regularly cosplay as Asian schoolchildren.

(was that too much?  I had a very bad day...)

I wish I could kill my horrible, horrible neighbors.

If anybody wants to take the reigns, feel free to start with my last wish up there.  It's as good as any.

天才的な閃きと平均以下のテクニックやな。 課長有野

Offline Ghandi

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #1 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 11:41:17 AM »
I'll start.

Your wish is granted! You not only kill your neighbors, but chop them up into small pieces and hide them in various spots around their apartments. Unfortunately, a few days later, your dead neighbor's cat finds some of the body parts and promptly consumes them, and after the snack walks too near your favorite Chinese joint. When you decide to get some kung pao chicken the next day, you inadvertently eat both your dead neighbor and their cat for lunch. Yummy.

Too gross?

I wish that I could be transformed into a banana-loving monkey. 

Offline Xero

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #2 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 11:51:01 AM »
Granted!  You're transformed into a banana loving monkey, free to do monkey activities.  After running around the city swiping bananas and shiny objects you are captured. Unfortunately for you a traveling circus just came to town and needed a new monkey to replace their old one that died of lung cancer.  You now are forced to perform daily or get a cattle prod to your little sack. You get a grey nutrient gruel for monkey food and cigars instead of bananas. Enjoy!

I wish my car was an Autobot.

Offline beo

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #3 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 11:58:40 AM »
granted! your car is now an autobot. you spend days wizzing down roads at super fast speeds and generally showing him off to your non-sentient-robot owning friends. unfortunately, he is also a dumbass and forgets that you are still inside as he transforms, smashing your internal organs into a thin red paste across the inside of his windscreen.

i wish that i was a famous rockstar.

Offline Ghandi

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #4 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 12:24:44 PM »
Granted! After years of hard work, you finally get a record deal for a major record label and produce three platinum albums. Unfortunately, due to monetary loss because of pirating, the record label decides to make you lead guitar for Avril Lavine. After listening to her song for 15 seconds, you begin to violently smash your head into a brick wall until you die.

I wish that I lived on an island with a beautiful wife.

Offline angrykeebler

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #5 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 12:27:22 PM »
Hey did you get this off Livejournal? I used to do this exact same thing at an LJ community called corrupted_wish.
Suck it, Pugnate.

Offline idolminds

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #6 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 12:45:12 PM »
Granted! You marry a beautiful woman and move to an amazing tropical island. Unfortunately this island was home to a band of pirates several hundred years ago, and it turns out you built your house over the spot where they buried their treasure. Your house is haunted. The ghosts appear during the full moon, chase you out into the jungle, where you are bitten by a poisonous snake. The poison isn't enough to kill you, but it confuses you so you wander the jungle trying to find your way home. Staggering around the jungle proves hazardous as you trip and fall over a cliff. Many hours later you wash up on shore where your wife finds you and nurses you back to health.

Then a tsunami obliterates the island.

I wish I had broadband.

Offline sirean_syan

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #7 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 01:23:30 PM »
Granted. AT&T finally hooks up your neighborhood and in order to promote the new service gives everyone a month free of the premium package, which includes full cable TV with the naughty channels. A tech comes to your house and installs the service within a matter of hours, so you decide to spend the rest of the day downloading porn and watching the Spice Channel. Unfortunately, that very day North Korea goes apeshit and nukes a couple of major cities across the world, Chicago being one of them. The blast obliterates the cable network in the area preventing you in taking comfort in the girl on girl action you were downloading and the softcore women in prison flick that was just getting to the first shower scene. The next few years aren't have bad for you given that WWIII is going on while you and your family live in relative comfort compared to the rest of the US with canned foods, power, and running water. When the dust settles, it seems world peace has finally been achieved with the creation of the World Security Counsel, worldwide nuclear disarmament, and the complete obliteration of all countries in Asia and Africa. You even get broadband back sortly after. However, the world of videogames is never quite the same and it seems the only online games to remain in existence are Counter Strike and the Care Bear MMO. Even more unfortunately, Counter Strike is only played by poorly adjusted 12 year olds and the Cear Bear MMO is filled with fat 40 year old men with furry fetishies.

I wish I never had to work again.
« Last Edit: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 03:26:29 PM by sirean_syan »

Offline Quemaqua

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #8 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 06:14:13 PM »
Nope keebs, just some other forum I go to.  Maybe that's where they found it, heh... no idea.

Congratulations, your wish is granted!  You never have to work again.  Unfortunately, it's because you *can't* work, due to the fact that an obscure pituitary disorder caused you to gain 700 pounds in the course of a year.  Now your daily activities consist of washing yourself with a sponge on a stick, playing Wii games for 10 minutes until doing so exhausts you to the point of near death, and working on your autobiography, "Why Weighing 800 Pounds Blows Ass".

I wish I had more time to do everything I need to get done.

天才的な閃きと平均以下のテクニックやな。 課長有野

Offline Ghandi

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #9 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 07:02:32 PM »
It's your lucky day! Time now moves at a snails pace for you, where a single day consists of an entire year. You can now get everything done that you have ever dreamed of! Unfortunately, you develop a rash on your ass that, while normally only lasts a few weeks, now lasts the equivalent of twenty years in your slow time. Your time now consists of scratching your ass continuously and damning all humanity.

I wish that I had a lifetime's supply of free beer.

Offline idolminds

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #10 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 07:43:09 PM »
Granted! You now have a lifetimes supply of free beer! But its shitty beer! The horror!

I wish I had more wishes.

Offline NatchDan

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #11 on: Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 10:23:11 PM »
Granted! You get to live the last five minutes over and over again forever!

I wish I didn't need sleep.
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Offline Ghandi

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #12 on: Thursday, July 19, 2007, 06:42:03 AM »
Your wish is granted! No longer feeling the need to sleep, you get to do everything you could only previously dream of doing! Unfortunately, because you never sleep anymore, your girlfriend grows unnerved and thinks that you are cheating on her while she is asleep. She breaks up with you, and in doing so, throws your pet turtle Snappy, which was kept at her place, out the window. Meanwhile, back at your place, you take up whittling as a hobby. You whittle day and night because you can't sleep. You whittle so much that your floor is covered in wood shavings. One day, thinking about how much you miss Snappy, you mistakenly pick up some flint instead of a piece of wood. Instead of whittling, you shower your wood-shaven-covered floor in sparks, starting a fire that is slowly growing. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to you, a large truck filled with lighter fluid is barreling down the road next to your house. In addition, Snappy, your beloved pet turtle, is directly in front of the truck, almost home from his long journey to see his owner that he adores. Unfortunately, the large truck hits Snappy, killing him instantly, and jackknifing the truck off the road, spilling lighter fluid into your house. Instantly the fluid catches with the fire already burning in the house, exploding the house and killing you.

I wish that I was a pirate, sailing the open seas. 

Offline NatchDan

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #13 on: Thursday, July 19, 2007, 05:07:16 PM »
(Man. Okay. Me, you can harm all you like. But for Snappy? You die.)
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Offline idolminds

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #14 on: Thursday, July 19, 2007, 05:32:10 PM »
Granted! You become a pirate, sailing the seas, plundering boats, saying "Arrr!" a lot, etc. You know, piratey stuff. One night your parrot, Scruffy, goes crazy and pecks out your eye! Luckily eye patches are totally in this year for pirates so you're in the clear. A week later your leg is blown off because a canon backfired. Peg legs are also good pirate fashion sense, so this again isn't a big issue. But you know what are big issues? Scurvy and mutiny, which happened the next week as your crew leaves you on a tiny desert island.

Then a tsunami obliterates the island. You seem to have problems with that.

I wish I had a pony.

Offline WindAndConfusion

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #15 on: Friday, July 20, 2007, 02:02:58 AM »
Beo totally fucked this one up, so I'm doing it over.
I wish my car was an Autobot.
Granted! Your car is now Rodimus.

Also, you're that stupid wheelchair kid.
I wish I had a pony.
Granted. And not only a pony, but a pony unicorn! And not one pony unicorn, but two! And they take you to candy mountain!

And then steal your frickin' kidney.

I wish everyone was DEAD. Especially GPW.

Offline Quemaqua

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #16 on: Friday, July 20, 2007, 07:06:53 AM »
Your wish is granted.  Everyone dies.  Unfortunately, the all-encompassing nature of your wish requires your own death as well, and the method of your global genocide turns out to be infectious zombie madness.  The situation leaves you heaped on top of an old lady who stabbed you in the groin in a fit of uncontrollable rage, where you bleed out slowly, savoring the lingering aromas of adult diapers and fix-o-dent.

Also, gpw is slightly more dead than everyone else.

I wish I had a better camera.

天才的な閃きと平均以下のテクニックやな。 課長有野

Offline WindAndConfusion

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #17 on: Friday, July 20, 2007, 01:23:10 PM »
Granted! The Hubble de-orbits and vaporizes you on impact. The pictures are spectacular.

I wish I knew what to wish for.
« Last Edit: Friday, July 20, 2007, 01:48:51 PM by WindAndConfusion »

Offline beo

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #18 on: Friday, July 20, 2007, 01:40:49 PM »
granted! you wish to know what to wish for, and your mind is filled with your own definition of a happy and content life. far beyond what you could have ever imagined on your own - you have money, cars, women, fame and respect. unfortunately you have used your only wish, and will die knowing the pinnacles of human happiness, but never having actually experienced it.

either that or paradox that rips existence apart. your choice.

i wish to know the secrets of reality.

Offline WindAndConfusion

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #19 on: Friday, July 20, 2007, 01:44:36 PM »
Granted! You spend 1400 consecutive hours watching Scientology training videos.

I wish I was Japanese Killer Jesus.

Offline Ghandi

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Re: The Messed Up Wish Thread.
« Reply #20 on: Sunday, July 22, 2007, 01:28:24 PM »
(Man. Okay. Me, you can harm all you like. But for Snappy? You die.)

Snappy was a bitch.


:-[


Notice I said WAS. He's totally freakin dead now.


... :-[