Topic: How to Fuck Yourself Over - a play in one act by Que.

[Quemaqua]

Que: "Wow, I've written almost 90,000 words on this novel, all while at work.  I know the computer policy strictly states that I'm not supposed to ever use it for personal business, but come on... how big an infraction is that really?  It's not like I sit around talking on the fucking phone all day, wasting hours of taxpayer money like everyone else around here.  It's just a .doc file I open up periodically.  And it isn't like I use a USB cable to transfer it off more than twice a year."

Boss: "Que, I need to see you in my office."

Que: "Yes?"

Boss: "Call your shop steward.  Tomorrow I'm breaking out my strap-on, and it's got your name on it."

Que: "Oh.

 ... shit."

[Ghandi]

All right, it looks like you're gonna have to blackmail him. It's time to get some dirt on this guy. We're gonna need someone here to dress up like a hooker...and someone else to take pics. Any takers?

[Quemaqua]

Him?  You forget, I work for chicks.  Hence the strap-on.

[gpw11]

Interesting, I take it this hasn't gone down yet.  Well, unless they're really trying to downsize I imagine the fact that you even have a shop steward means you're getting a slap on the wrist and a footnote on your report that's totally excusable. 

Can you, by any chance, sell this as something you were only doing on your breaks?  If so, I'd probably try to convince them that I misunderstood the policy and thought it referred to internet and network usage, mainly for security reasons, rather than for computer use period. Remember: In court, innocent misrepresentation is always punished less than fraudulent misrepresentation. Or it's better that you didn't know rather than you didn't give a fuck.

[Ghandi]

Him?  You forget, I work for chicks.  Hence the strap-on.

My mistake. I'm still dumbfounded at the fact that companies are giving women high level jobs. What's up with that?

[Quemaqua]

I keep telling them not to.  They don't listen.

And yeah gpw, it depends on what evidence they have against me and what their primary complaint is going to be (using computer period, or using it outside breaks... most likely they'll count both against me, but one is likely to be the bigger deal to them).  We'll see.  Either way, it'll most likely just be a smack upside the head for being unprofessional and a mark on my record.  Which I couldn't really give less of a shit about.  This is the only real infraction I've had, and I suspect there's nothing else I really even ever put myself at risk for beyond that.  Once they stop me from using the PC for writing, there's really nothing left to complain about.  Basically I just have to suffer through the embarrassment of the meeting.

[Xessive]

Woah, we have more in common than I thought Que. I work for chicks too. Actually I'm the only dude where I work. It's not a feminine job or anything, just an interesting coincidence.

My boss discovered that I was freelancing afterhours (and occasionally during my lunch hour), so she confronted me politely and offered me the option of working on this stuff during working hours on the condition that I bring the business to the company and I get the commission. I thought she was pretty cool about it.

I like women in charge.. Except for certain times of the month.

[Quemaqua]

I have never and probably will never like women in charge.  As far as I'm concerned, they're more or less all petty and emotional and complete failures in leadership positions.  It may sound like I'm being a pig, but I'm speaking from what I know.  I've had two male bosses in my lifetime and probably 25 female ones, and there are only three I've liked: the two guys and the gal I work directly under right now.  I can't get mad at her for holding me to the letter of whatever stupid policies we're under because that's her job, and this may not have even been something she instigated (I doubt I'll ever know for sure, unless they tell me), but her boss is a dumb bitch if ever there was one.  Most of the bosses at the other building are, too.  It's all rules for the sake of having rules.  These people love the sound of their own voices, and they love being in charge.  The men I've worked for didn't get off on power, nor did they scrutinize every last detail of every action to find some fault in you.  They simply wanted the job to get done, and if you were managing that, they were happy.

[scottws]

I agree.  Female managers tend to be micromanagers that want everyone to follow everything to the letter.  They tend to be more inflexibile on... well everything.

[Cobra951]

I hope everything works out OK.  I guess if you're in a union, such a minor infraction isn't job-threatening.  Tell us how it went.

[Ghandi]

As soon as she starts talking, interrupt her and say, "Wait- why are you out of the kitchen?!" She will quickly realize her mistake and you will be promoted to fill her empty position. Problem solved!

[sirean_syan]

Why wait that long. If she's not barefoot and pregnant when you walk in, you should be asking the appropriate questions.

[Quemaqua]

Heh, this thread has turned out far more amusing than I'd imagined it would.

I hope everything works out OK.  I guess if you're in a union, such a minor infraction isn't job-threatening.  Tell us how it went.

Yeah, everything's fine.  The meeting went basically as well as it possibly could have.  They didn't really do their homework at all, though they did find the offending item, which ranked in at about 114 pages with 19,000 minutes put into it (it was, I think, 331 hours in total).  The file was created in January of last year, I guess, which means I'd been working on it for a little over a year, and at 331 hours that really isn't nearly as bad as they made it out to be.  If you figure 273 work days (365 minus weekends, vacation time, holidays, allowing for sick leave, etc.), that's only about 1.2 hours a day, which figures pretty well into my hour and a half's worth of break time every day.  Sure, they don't allow me to use the computer for personal use in any capacity even on break time, but they're acting like I did all this stuff on company time when I should have been working.  I did a little of that, I won't lie, but obviously not *that* much.

What sucks is my boss probably doesn't trust me anymore because she has this inflated idea of what I did.  If she just did the fucking math maybe she wouldn't feel so bad about it.  I mean, what am I supposed to do?  She knows I hate my job.  I've lived a lie every day for the last 6 years.  I get my work done, and they're pissed that I don't push myself to get more done.  Well, fuck you.  I do what you pay me for, and I honestly don't give a shit about doing more.  Because of you I have the most meaningless existence that I can possibly imagine, and this is all I can do.  It isn't like I have a choice.  I have no marketable skills, it's all but impossible to make money doing anything creatively when you're a jack-of-all-creative-trades like I am (or even if you aren't), and I need a steady job with good pay and medical coverage because my wife is sick for the rest of her fucking life and can't work.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  Don't feel betrayed because you've got some low level employee who could be doing a little better.  Have some understanding about the world you live in, for fuck's sake.  I'm not a career guy.  I hate my job.  I need money to live, and I like it because it buys me things, but money means virtually nothing to me.  I've never gone out of my way for it and I never will.  This just isn't who I am, and I don't understand why people can't grasp that.  This is why I work in a file room in a fucking basement in downtown Oakland and don't want to promote!  Of all jobs, why should this one carry some expectation of excellence?

I wish I could find another job.  I really, really do.  But I guess the expectation is because they pay me well.  I can't deny that.  If I didn't have this, we couldn't survive, and that makes me wish I could treat it more seriously.  But I've tried, tried for years, and I can't do any better than pull my own weight.

[gpw11]

myself to get more done.  Well, fuck you.  I do what you pay me for, and I honestly don't give a shit about doing more.  Because of you I have the most meaningless existence that I can possibly imagine, and this is all I can do.  It isn't like I have a choice.  I have no marketable skills, it's all but impossible to make money doing anything creatively when you're a jack-of-all-creative-trades like I am (or even if you aren't), and I need a steady job with good pay and medical coverage because my wife is sick for the rest of her fucking life and can't work.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  Don't feel betrayed because you've got some low level employee who could be doing a little better.  Have some understanding about the world you live in, for fuck's sake.  I'm not a career guy.  I hate my job.  I need money to live, and I like it because it buys me things, but money means virtually nothing to me.  I've never gone out of my way for it and I never will.  This just isn't who I am, and I don't understand why people can't grasp that.  This is why I work in a file room in a fucking basement in downtown Oakland and don't want to promote!  Of all jobs, why should this one carry some expectation of excellence?

Preach it!  This is the worst part of any level of management.  They're generally dumb enough to buy into all kinds of stupid shit and look at you like an idiot/degenerate for not doing the same.  Actually, I've only really experienced this once, and as I was leaving one of my managers said something along the lines of "If you took things more seriously I think you would have had a better time."  Ahaha.  I didn't give a shit and fucked around all day.  Like hardcore trying to get fired in a way that makes a good story about the only job you've ever been fired from fucked around.  I had a GREAT fucking time.

But that's the thing, they can't just accept that some people aren't going to give a shit about whatever dumbass thing they're doing, and understand that shouldn't be a strike against them.  Well, in my case it obviously should, but in your work situation they should look at it and be like "Ted does 220% of his quota and stays late every day while Que does 100% and takes off - they're both paid the same.  Ted's a fucking moron.  Micromanage Ted because that guy is totally going to do something stupid and fuck us over at some point and let Que do his shit as a productive member of society who gets it."   Oh, and the Christmas party is manditory because you assholes don't already spend enough time together.

[Quemaqua]

I've worked at this place for 6 years on the 29th.  I have yet to attend the Christmas party or company picnic.  I don't understand what in the name of heaven draws people to those functions.

[Xessive]

Man, I'm glad it went smoothly at least.

I'm kinda lucky with my current job. My relationship with my boss and colleagues is a little different than most I guess; we have lunch together usually, we're in touch outside of work, and we occasionally hang out (last time we had a Spanish/Latino get-together at my colleague's place).

Although with my previous jobs or volunteering I was pretty much the same as you. I never really associated outside of the professional scope and I avoided Xmas parties and picnics etc.

I think most people use such opportunities to gain some popularity and trust within the company.. Not that I care but it could be beneficial in the rat-race; whether it earns some brownie points among the higher-ups or helps you find some dirt on colleagues you can use as stepping stones.

Pretty much why I avoid corporate life and I prefer to work in small teams.

[scottws]

So they had some report that told them how long you had it open each day?  That's crazy.  I didn't know they could do that.

Though it doesn't surprise me.  At one job, they handed me a huge ream of paper.  It was a list of every URL I ever visited.  They didn't go through it, they just said "Stop using the Internet."

[Cobra951]

But that's the thing, they can't just accept that some people aren't going to give a shit about whatever dumbass thing they're doing, and understand that shouldn't be a strike against them.  Well, in my case it obviously should, but in your work situation they should look at it and be like "Ted does 220% of his quota and stays late every day while Que does 100% and takes off - they're both paid the same.  Ted's a fucking moron.  Micromanage Ted because that guy is totally going to do something stupid and fuck us over at some point and let Que do his shit as a productive member of society who gets it."   Oh, and the Christmas party is manditory because you assholes don't already spend enough time together.

I've had jobs where I couldn't wait to do more.  I was creating what I wanted to create.  I could go around the clock doing that.  Then I've had jobs where earning money was the only reason I did them.  I didn't try to fuck around on purpose.  I did what I was supposed to do, and that was that.  If I did it in 4 hours instead of 8, then I'd fuck around for the other 4 hours.  The boss never gets it, so I had to keep it under wraps, pretend to be busy.  I was lucky to ever have a job I wanted to do for itself.  Most people never do.  It's grossly unrealistic for management to expect the same care out of meager wage earners that they get out of those with a financial vested interest in the business.  They'll tell you that you have such a vested interest--if the profits go down there will be layoffs.  Yeah, right.  That has the instant ring of self-serving bullshit.  It may scare some people for a while, but it can't possibly change the core attitudes.  "We treat you like shit, but if you don't act happy as a lark and produce like a machine, it will get worse."  They will never get it.  They'll keep replacing people who don't care with other people who don't care.

[Xessive]

Have you guys ever had a job which put you in morally questionable circumstances? For example, were you ever in a situation where you were expected to lie?

[sirean_syan]

I've had individual orders like that, but not a job itself. When I was doing desktop publishing/printing stuff, I would occasionally get customers who would try to get me to forge documents and whatnot. I just sent them away.

I guess I could also say I would question myself when I had to put tallied up the charges on certain orders, like funeral materials or when a teacher was doing cool extra stuff out of their own pockets for their students. Those I tended to go easy on the prices.

Nothing too bad though.

[Quemaqua]

Does lying to yourself count?  I've done quite a lot of that.

Talked to my boss today.  Like I said, this is one boss I actually like who's been reasonable and intelligent in my time working with her, two things I rarely find in anyone, let alone someone I work with.  So I went into her office and said, more or less, "Look, there's no point in beating around the bush.  I did what I did because I didn't know how else to do it, and it's the part of my life that matters to me.  This does not, and you know that because I've all but told you before.  That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the job or take it seriously.  I won't make excuses, but I at least want to offer you an explanation because I feel like I owe you one."  So we talked for a while and pretty much came to an understanding about it, and she told me that it was really water under the bridge to her anyway.  She knows I do my work and that while I may not be the most overzealous of workers, I don't go out of my way to slack off or abuse anything.  So I guess a lot of what was said was for the sake of the report and whatever fist-shaking was coming from upstairs.  In any event, my only true regret was mucking up a decent relationship with a good boss, so I'm glad she's being cool about it and not holding it against me.  I am very much at ease now compared to yesterday.