Topic: So apparently I'm getting a divorce.

[Quemaqua]

I'm sure this comes as a shock to no one.

I have no idea how to respond to this fact, or even talk about it.  I also have no idea why I'm posting it here.  But somehow it seems like I should.  So I am.

So... yeah.

I probably wouldn't make this post if I wasn't drunk.  It wasn't an easy decision, and it was something we both decided.  It was a long battle to come to this point, and it wasn't something easily decided, and certainly not for want of trying.  I guess these things just happen.

Cheers, mates.  Here's to... I don't know.  Something.  Whatever.

[nickclone]

I really don't know what to say, but I feel I should say something. I hope that whatever you end up doing, you end up well.

[MysterD]

Que, geez - this ain't the kinda news to post on V-Day...Bah!

Good luck w/ everything, bro. Just hang the hell in there - b/c that's all you really can do now. I'm sure it's gonna be a roller coaster ride, w/ more ups and downs than you can shake a stick at. Just...swim your way through all these treacherous waters, man.

Hope you can find true happiness again, bro..

Best wishes, Que.

[Pugnate]

Oh my god man, I had no idea. This is very depressing news.

I wish there was something I could do to help. We are all here for you on OW buddy.

[Pugnate]

Someone close to me is also looking in trouble maritally. That is a very very messy situation though.

Sometimes you need a clean break. At least you guys didn't have kids. For what its worth, despite having traditional values and all, I feel that sometimes the best decision is to get a divorce, if the moment is right.

You have no kids, you guys are both still very young, so hopefully finding your respective fresh starts is the ideal thing to do to find happiness in life.

[Quemaqua]

I hope so.  My greatest worries through all this are for her.  I hope that we can still be friends... it's going to be hard for her.  But we do better as friends, I think.  I don't think many marriages can end that way, but I think ours has a chance.  It hurts us both too much when we're this close... but as friends, we're better.  I don't know if it's realistic, but... I think there's a chance.  I think with our relationship being what it is, there's a chance I can still help her to find her way to a better place than she is now.

[Pugnate]

I think you guys will still manage to be friends. It is just a gut feeling, which is weird, because I don't know her or anything. When I saw her pictures from the OW meet album, she actually reminded me of my sister a lot. My sister also wears glasses, and looks to be of a similar height and has a similar face.

I don't know why this is happening, nor do I want the details, but I think I have a good idea from your previous posts. It can't be easy for two people to live together, when one wants to come home and relax, because he is very creative yet is being mentally suffocated at work, and the other is on disability and mostly at home feeling obviously frustrated as anyone would in that situation.

Again I don't know her, but most women I know tend to be more temperamental then men, so I can imagine that being on a disability makes that aspect of it worse (I hope that doesn't sound sexist, but it is just the women I know). The time shared together by two such people has to be full of friction, and from your previous posts, you seem to have identified the reasons, and I have a feeling she has as well, which makes me believe that you both will still be friends after this is over, because the reasons for marrying each other don't seem to have changed much, but it is just the respective circumstances that make it impossible. I have a feeling that both of you recognize that the reasons for liking each other are still there.

I had a buddy who had been living with his girlfriend for 4 years or so, and they were practically married. The problem was that they would fight constantly. You could tell they loved each other, and the reasons for loving each other never changed, but they fought like cats and dogs, and he was miserable. When he talked to me about it, I told him that he should break it off with her, which surprised him. It was almost unthinkable for him, and for many of us (his close friends). When they eventually broke it off a year later, a friend of mine remarked that he had expected them to stay together forever.

Well, he has a new girlfriend now, and loves her deeply and is so happy. She gained some weight after the breakup, but recovered (with his help), and is in a good relationship. They are still very good friends... they just realized they couldn't function as something deeper or something.

And once you are in your own space, and feel more relaxed and everything, I am sure you will be better able mentally to help her move forward.

Anyway, best of luck brother.

[Quemaqua]

Thanks, man.  That means a lot.

[TheOtherBelmont]

Holy shit man, I had no idea it was going to get to this point, and I'm really sorry to hear it.  If you want to talk about it sometime you've got my phone number man.  I hope things can go as smoothly as possible for both of you at this point and I actually agree with you that you guys will be able to work something out to stay friends.

[beo]

well that sucks. i'm sure it's not a decision that was come to lightly, however, so it's got to be for the best.

[shock]

I'm very sorry to hear that Que.  I, like most people, didn't see that coming.  If there is anything we can do to help, let us know (IE: if you need a dose of my ridiculous optimism, let me know ).  I also can't really relate to how you must be feeling.  That said, from your posts, it sounds like it was a conclusion that wasn't reached lightly, which is good.  If that is the case, then it was the right decision, no matter how hard, and things will begin to look up in a little while.

As per being friends, I'd say that you should give it time.  Especially after the initial shock.  Speaking from breakups with my past girlfriends, time has always allowed us to "reset" from relationship mode and start over from friends mode.  I'm a firm believer that you can't just knock it down a notch from serious relationship to friends.  You have to allow things to reset.  My two cents on that.

[Cobra951]

I can't say that I saw it coming, but I did recognize some danger signs.  After all, I've been there myself.

Que, I'm so sorry, man.  Small consolations (I know): you're young, and there are no children involved.  That has been said already, and I concur.  Do keep it as friendly as possible going forward.  But under no circumstances allow her to hire a lawyer without you doing the same.  Trust me on that one.  You can't both hire the same lawyer to handle things "amicably".  That's a conflict of interest, as I found out.  So once there's a lawyer involved, the other party really needs to protect their interests, because the lawyer will make things as skewed as possible in his client's favor, even in the most uncontentious case.  And if you're without a lawyer, you won't know all the ramifications of the documents you end up signing, even if you comprehend every word and sentence within them.

I hope everything works out well for you, and that you remain supportive friends.  That makes all the difference going forward.  Good luck, my friend.

[Quemaqua]

Thanks, guys.  I feel like somebody split my head open with an axe today, but otherwise I think I'm okay.  Not looking forward to apartment hunting, especially after having a dream condo for just under a year, but... well, I guess that's the way it goes.

I think the only thing we'll be doing with a lawyer is having him draw up the necessary paperwork.  Division of property and such won't even come into it, I don't think.  She knows that I'll be very generous, and the distinction between what's mine and hers is fairly obvious.  She had more money than I did coming into the relationship, and I recently got a somewhat substantial sum from my grandfather after he passed away... so most likely she'll keep the remainder of what was hers, and I'll take the new funds that came to us.  It won't leave me with much, but I suppose not having much is something I'll need to get used to.

[K-man]

Can't think of anything to say other than I'm sorry.  A word of advice:  While it's admirable that you want to make sure she gets through it OK, you have to take care of yourself first.  

[Quemaqua]

Nothing to take care of.  You could throw me naked in the ocean and I'd wash up on another shore just fine.  I think she'll be okay too... she's been remarkably strong so far.  It's just going to be hard when I'm gone and she's here alone.

God help me.  I need a drink.  Or a cheeseburger.  Or both.

[gpw11]

Okay, I for one am surprised.  Look, I don't who dropped the ban-hammer here, but I DO know that I don't go writing e-wedding speeches for e-wedding posts on forums if I think shit isn't going to last.  I feel lied to and dirty.

But in all seriousness, I'm sorry to hear that. 

[Raisa]

That's so sad, Que.

I'm sorry--but i get upset every time I hear about couples I thought were good. I'm still hurting from my cousin's divorce from 4 years ago. I've known others going that way since, but they didn't affect me as much. For some reason, yours affects me quite a lot. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but--- i don't know.

I've read your rough times etc, but I guess the little things added up huh?

I wish you the best. I think you shared with us cause it helps.

[Xessive]

Woah, Que. I wish you all the strength to make it through this trying time, man.

[Quemaqua]

Thanks, guys.

I'm sorry too, Raisa.  The problem is that we were good most of the time, we were great most of the time... and it would take too much to explain the rest, but that's why this is so hard.  Neither of us want to split, yet we feel as though in the long run it will be for the best because there are destructive patterns we just can't seem to break out of.  It sucks and I hate it, but there doesn't seem to be much in the way of alternatives.  We've tried everything we can think of.

Going to look at an apartment tomorrow.  I am not very confident about it.  Wish me luck.

[K-man]

Something I was thinking about on the drive home (and don't ask why I was thinking of you because I honestly don't know).  Won't this development perhaps free you up to quit the job you hate and maybe go do something you love, or at the very least can tolerate?

Life is too short to be miserable 8 hours a day, no matter what sort of money you're making.

[Quemaqua]

In case anyone ever wondered what this experience feels like, it's roughly akin to having your organs slowly pulled out of you over the course of several days via some horrible vacuum that will eventually lead them to an inner chamber where they'll be boiled until you die.  I feel like my head is going to split open and giant slugs are going to crawl out so as to begin eating the rest of me.  This is probably the cloesest I'll ever come to a true 'bad trip'.  It is the most unpleasant feeling I have ever experienced.  Just completely in a haze at all times, as though drunk, but without any of the sensation-dulling goodness.  How the fuck do so many of these people put themselves through this?  Or do they really just not give a shit about each other?

[gpw11]

 

[Cobra951]

No, you're right.  It's extremely unpleasant, and hardly relents until after a long time.  Everything you believe about who you are gets rocked to the core.  I experienced severe disorientation and a complete lack of motivation to do *anything*.  That's after over 20 years married and 2 kids, though.  Marriage may not be as self-defining for you because of the shorter time, but I'm just guessing now.  But yeah, it's an absolute horror show.  Hang in there.

[Pugnate]

GPW stop pretending to have a heart.

I can't imagine how terrible this must be Que. Hopefully, once you move into the new apartment things will start to get easier.

[gpw11]

 

[Quemaqua]

I just wish I could sttop smoking.  The night this all went down I smoked an entire pack, and yesterday I did half of one after a friend came over.  It's kind of the only thing that seems to help.       - Debating going into work today.  I shouldn't call in but there's so much to do and I feel like crap.  Haven't slept properly in days.  Went over and talked to the in-laws about everything last night.  At least they aren't angry or overly upset.       - Sorry for block-of-text syndrome.  Cell phone browser doesn't allow hard returns.

[Pugnate]

Have you settled into your new apartment?

[gpw11]

I just wish I could sttop smoking. 

Duuude, I fucking know.  I CAN'T GODDAMN DO IT.  I used to be able to stop for long periods of time no problem, but I'm having a very tough time now.  It's not even the addiction, it's the habit at this point.

[Quemaqua]

Heh, yeah... I actually had my last one today.  I can't smoke at the new place or even on the premises because the chick isn't down with it, so it'll be easy to stop.  I'm focusing really heavily on trying to get back into some semblance of shape, too.  Want to get a better, more thorough workout routine going and build up some endurance.

As for the apartment... I do have the keys now and such, but so far all I've got in there is a dust mop and a rug, heh.  It's still kind of a work in progress.  Unfortunately there's almost nobody that can help me do anything and I can't lift anything myself, let alone transport it.  Hopefully my one buddy is going to help me move a couple things Sunday morning so I can hurry up and move in.

[Raisa]

Thanks, guys.

I'm sorry too, Raisa.  The problem is that we were good most of the time, we were great most of the time... and it would take too much to explain the rest, but that's why this is so hard.  Neither of us want to split, yet we feel as though in the long run it will be for the best because there are destructive patterns we just can't seem to break out of.  It sucks and I hate it, but there doesn't seem to be much in the way of alternatives.  We've tried everything we can think of.

Going to look at an apartment tomorrow.  I am not very confident about it.  Wish me luck.

So you're actually divorcing already and not just doing a separation? I didn't want to come back here to OW after I posted the above, but I didn't want to just disappear and it's dumb to disappear just cause I feel bad for you. It really is quite upsetting. I do hope your friendship with Julia makes it through everything.

Glad you found an apartment to stay in and you're not allowed to smoke.

[Quemaqua]

Well, I suggested a separation and she vetoed it for fairly logical reasons.  Ultimately all it would accomplish is that we'd miss each other, we'd think about all the good times and not the bad times, and we'd end up wanting to get back together again, only to fall into the same trap we've been unable to disengage from all this time.

We seem to be doing better now as friends.  It's hard being apart, and it's hard knowing that things have gone the way they have, and there are still really bad moments for both of us... but our interactions have been a lot more positive and I feel like we're both giving each other more of what we need as friends.  It doesn't make a lot of sense in some ways, but I can't argue with results.  I just want her to be happy, and having me around didn't seem to be doing that.  She still needs me, but being around at arm's length rather than right there with her seems to be benefiting us both more right now.

I certainly hope you won't leave OWnet because of me.  That would make me feel terrible!  We need our Raisa.

[gpw11]

So, are you making a whole new set of sleeveless shirts now?

[Quemaqua]

Haha, I can't wear those since moving to suburbia.  In the middle of the city where I used to live it meant nothing.  It was just comfy clothes.  Out here it's like... oh snap, every douchebag with his shaved head and glasses on the back of his headwears them.  I haven't worn one since.

[Raisa]

no i won't be leaving.. i'd miss you guys too much and end up posting anyway..

it's just been harder nowadays cause of life catching up.. now i can't just fly off somewhere like in the past.

[Quemaqua]

Life has a way of doing that.  I feel like it caught up to me with a two-by-four and a PCP habit.

[poomcgoo]

Hey Que, sorry to hear that, I truly hope it's for the best.

Sometimes you need a clean break. At least you guys didn't have kids. For what its worth, despite having traditional values and all, I feel that sometimes the best decision is to get a divorce, if the moment is right.

That's a great point.  My parents were divorced when I was about 12, and it was as messy as they get.  The magnitude of something like this is ten times worse when you have kids who get caught in the middle.  If you truly feel it's the right choice, you've made the best decision of your life.  Both of you will be headed in a more positive direction, rather than two people forcing their lives to be unhappy while wasting the only youth you get.  I hope everything works out, and you both can continue your lives happily and perhaps even remain friends.

[Quemaqua]

Thanks, man.  I appreciate that.

[gpw11]

Yeah, I'm a firm believer in divorce.  I mean, the alternative can't be good for anyone.

[Raisa]

what's that? murder?

[Cobra951]

I think he means plodding on in abject misery in a loveless marriage.  I agree.