Topic: Anger issues.

[Pugnate]

I have these weird anger issues, which I now thankfully have significantly more control over, but I still have a question.

When I get upset, I don't get violent or anything (nor do I have violent impulses), but I get really flustered and upset, and can say really mean things which I regret later. What I do is take a time out for myself and use all my self control not to respond. It works for me, but here is the question, eve though in that moment it seems like the end of the world. Because I react in this way i.e. over react, how do stand up for myself when my space is actually being disrespected?

I guess the lesson is that it is better to take a time out than say something you will regret later. But I don't want to be a push over either.

Anyone else have this issue?

A few days ago I had an incident with the new editor of the online section of the paper who has clear person space issues, and has been crude with me for a while. She told me very late on Saturday that she wanted a piece on Monday. On Monday I told her that I got late notice and that I could finish it on Monday night. When she responded and asked me something, I simply explained why it was too for me to finish on Sunday.

There was some miscommunication, and she thought I was asking her for confirmation if she needed it on Monday and shouted on Facebook chat, "NOMAN HOW MANY TIMES SHOULD I TELL YOU DO THE PIECE DO THE PIECE JUST DO IT!"

I got pissed. I guess she has a history of acting like a spoiled brat, so I responded with, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I instantly regretted this. It was really unprofessional of me.

Then she told me she was joking. Then I apologized. She apologized etc. She has some anxiety issues that have popped up before, but this is the first time I got upset. It is water under the bridge.

But I shouldn't have reacted like that, especially with an editor. She is really really cool about it and hasn't reported this to anyone. But yeah... I am thinking the lesson here is that it is better to always be calm, even if you are being disrespected.  But I need to find a balance so I don't become a pushover or an apologist.

Thoughts? Similar issues for anyone?

[Cobra951]

You mean, not everyone is like that?

Yes, I know exactly how you feel.  Pent-up rage tries to bubble over at the most inopportune times, and it takes a lot of self-control just to be weirdly silent, rather than kill a friendship, or a relationship.  But then, you're all stressed out, maybe even shaky.  Sucks.

That woman seems to be a bitch, plain and simple.  How you handle her should depend on how much power she has over something you care about, like your job.

[W7RE]

For strangers it's easy. I've gotten to the point that I'll give a blank stare for a couple seconds then just leave a situation. the chances of me seeing this person again are slim, and arguing with them will get me nowhere. Ignore them, forget they exist, and go on with my day.

It's dealing with the people that are part of my life that's a problem. I don't usually have outbursts, I just keep it all penned up inside. With my family I realize I'll never see eye to eye with them, and just spend as little time interacting with them as possible. Of course this may just be making things worse.

[Cools!]

Online, get used to delaying. Unless it's family or someone I know fairly well I always wait a long time before replying, hours or even days. That way people get used to not wasting my time or getting too personal which might lead to some sort of stupid argument.

In person, just stay calm and assume the person is an idiot. Turn to the person and smile. Nothing annoys someone more than you smiling at them during an argument. Of course sometimes you just want to hurt that person so bad, but these days any form of aggression could have horrible repercussions for you. And some people are really good at getting ahead by instigating conflicts in which they end up appearing as the victim.

And if you aren't doing it yet, find yourself some sort of physical hobby to get rid of that energy each day. Go for a walk, run, bike, etc.

[Quemaqua]

I rarely have issues with this directly with people (I have confrontations like anybody, but it virtually never happens in person, and not very often online either). My problem is internal rage and affects my mental and physical health. Nothing I have ever tried in any capacity has helped with it, though I've always kept it outwardly under control. Been this way ever since I was small.

[Cools!]

Get a bike, find a hill, curse at it.

[scottws]

I'm like my dad in that when I get angry I really see red.  I've learned to control it by being really laid back about things, but over time this became sort of like that move Me, Myself, & Irene where people would just walk over me.  So I'm getting more assertive, but sometimes the anger comes back.  And when I get mad I do things I regret.  I say flat out nasty, hurtful things and occasionally I punch something, usually an inanimate object.

What I think the best thing is is to just try to make yourself think for like 10 seconds before something happens.  The problem is that it is really, really hard for me to do that.  But when I do it, it generally works.  I'm still mad and may argue, but I don't do things I later regret.

[Quemaqua]

Oh God, punching stuff. Good times. I bought a bag and some gloves for the house a while back... wonderful investment. I have a habit of punching things when I really just can't take it anymore (it takes me a long while to get there, and a lot of repeated badness... now that I think about it, it's probably more from frustration and misery than actual anger). Old room at home has a fist dent in a wall, same with the last place I lived in Cali, and there's a dented locker in a high school somewhere. Once at the airport I managed to get my knuckles bloody punching a railing. That was fun. I don't know how I haven't broken my hand, honestly.

[Xessive]

Growing up I had temper issues. I don't like yelling, I don't like being the angry person. Over the years I've had to learn how to manage my temper to not reach the stage of anger. It's extremely easy to just rage out, the real skill is in holding it in then redirecting it in a more constructive manner.

I've found the best way for me is letting go, basically dealing with it before it even has a chance to bloom into anger. The key to realize that the problem at hand is nothing truly worth getting enraged over. I save it for something that genuinely deserves a furious rebuke. I don't bottle it in either, that can have several negative health ramifications. Just let it go. Breathing deeply helps a lot, it keeps oxygen flowing steadily and keeps my wits about me to stop me from saying or doing something I know I'm gonna regret later.

Hulk smash.

[beo]

My main job is in customer service, so I have found ways to cope. My major one is when people are being unreasonable arseholes, I just think to myself, "I only have to deal with this person for the next few minutes, they have to live the rest of their lives being like this".

[Xessive]

My main job is in customer service, so I have found ways to cope. My major one is when people are being unreasonable arseholes, I just think to myself, "I only have to deal with this person for the next few minutes, they have to live the rest of their lives being like this".

Oh God I can empathize with that! haha Man, it's like some people just don't get it. I sometimes find myself honestly pondering "How has this person lived this long without getting stabbed or shot?"

[idolminds]

I don't really have anger issues, though sometimes I wake up covered in other peoples blood and no memory of the last 5 hours. But I'm sure that's not related.

[Xessive]

I don't really have anger issues, though sometimes I wake up covered in other peoples blood and no memory of the last 5 hours. But I'm sure that's not related.

Lycanthropy? Wait a minute, you're not GPW! That only happen to him! Except he usually finds all sorts of random sexual paraphernalia lying about as well.

[Pugnate]

I don't really have anger issues

I not at all surprised you don't. You seem like a very laid back guy!

[Cools!]

Being on 56k is bound the make you either super relaxed, or utterly crazy.

[Quemaqua]

No woman, no full-time job, no bills. Dude has managed to avoid the three most aggravating things that exist. He's like Thoreau minus the woods. Well, and the philosophy, I guess.

[Pugnate]

hahahaha.... unconventional life aside, he has always struck me as a someone who takes it quit easy. That's good.

[idolminds]

I try.

[Pugnate]

You suck.

[idolminds]

I know.

[Pugnate]

See?

[Cools!]

You should visit the IRC channel more often. Idol is mean!

[K-man]

He is a Grade A asshole

[idolminds]