Topic: Bummer post inside.

[angrykeebler]

I don't know why I am going to  you with all this baggage but I really don't have a whole lot of people to talk to about shit like this. I guess part of me feels like writing this down will help me and I've known you people for a super long time. Thanks for reading.

I have always been super close to my grandparents on my mothers side. My grandma is probably my favorite person in the world and its clearly evident I am her favorite grandchild. None of my cousins or my sister mind though because we all love her and visit her often. My grandma on my fathers side is a different story. I didn't know her that well and she was pretty distant. I saw her maybe 1-2 a year. She began alienating family last year for no reason. She got into a huge fight with my aunt and they became estranged. Most of the family began to ignore her.

Pretty much only my mom talked and visited with her. I was told by everyone that she was a little senile or whatever. The few times I talked to her on the phone or saw her she would say "I love you" and I'd say it back. I felt sorry for her but I did love her as well.

I remember a long time ago when she bought me a racecar for my birthdate. I played with it for awhile but like most kids I broke it and put it away. Everytime my grandma visited after that she asked if I still had it. I always lied and said I did and played with it often. I don't know why this memory now keeps popping in my head after this weekend.

On Sunday morning, my grandma gave into a crippling depression that I had no idea she was suffering from. She poured hot oil on my blind grandfather trying to kill him. She wrote in a note that she could not, in good conscience, leave a blind husband behind..alone. She then took her own life by jumping off her apartment building. My grandfather remains in critical condition at UCLA medical center.

She instructed her children in her note to lie to her grandkids and tell us she was killed in a car accident. My mother says she didn't want to lie to me so she told me the truth. I kind of wish she had lied to me.

I am not dealing well. Yeah, I hardly knew her and my parents thought I would handle this okay. I went into my room after I was told the news and pretty much wept for a long time.

Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me she was depressed? Was I a shitty grandson for not bothering to find out myself? I belive I was.

I place blame on my aunts and uncles. None of them gave a shit. Only my mom tried. I blame myself.

If I could say one last thing to her, I would give her a hug then look her in the eyes and say "I am just so sorry. Please forgive me."

[Xessive]

That is a total bummer man. I can empathize.. another friend of mine lost a family member to suicide. I always think about what would happen if someone I know or love committed suicide, and I ask myself "could I make a difference?"

It's hard enough to deal with a loss in the family. You gotta remember to stay strong and honour her memory. She'd want you to live a full life. May she rest in peace.

You have my condolences man.

[idolminds]

Dude, dont beat yourself up about this. No one could predict she would do something of this nature.

We're all here for ya. (sorry I suck at these kinds of posts)

[Ghandi]

My condolences, man. My prayers go out to you and your family.

And listen to Idol- don't blame yourself for this. Things of this nature can be tough because we feel a need to place blame. 

[Pugnate]

Oh my god, that is so shocking... I really feel for you brother.

Like Idol said, you obviously can't blame yourself, though you are grieving so you might think of illogical scenarios that will multiply any (unjustified) guilt. A few years ago a distant uncle of mine died of a brain tumor, and despite it being totally illogical, I sometimes blamed myself for something which had no relation with his death. To make a long story short he had a daughter who liked me, and he liked me so much, he really really wanted me to marry her. This made me repulsed by her, and he was really pushing her on me (not literally of course). Basically I had a nightmare one time that he was sick in bed and using that to make me marry her... a week later we found out he was ill and dying, which was nuts. Despite none of it making any sense, a part of me felt guilty... which is obviously ridiculous.

If anyone is responsible, then it is your grandmother's daughters and son who neglected her and had a duty to be closer to her and thus realize what state she was in. But if they actually knew what was going to happen, they wouldn't have neglected her, so there is obviously no point in blaming anyone... least of all yourself obviously.

I am sure a part of you knows you aren't to blame.

It is uncanny how so much of this reminds me of my family. My maternal grandmother is loved by all her nine children, but almost all live in other countries and can't give her time. Her sons haven't seen her in so long, it is ridiculous. Some haven't seen her in years, some haven't even spoken to her in longer. Part of it has to do with distance, and part because their wives are the crazy fucking type.

Every time I see my grandmother she just holds my hand and starts talking about her kids. Then her eyes water up and she cries. I've written to my uncles on many an occasion, but they always make empty promises. It isn't that they love her, it is just... I don't fucking know what it is.

Anyway man I hope you get through this well my friend, and I hope your aunt and uncle gain some sense.

I just want to relate a verse from the Quran. In Islam there are few sins greater than neglecting your parents.

"...And your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. If either one or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them a word of disrespect nor chide them, but address them in terms of honour. And lower to them your wing of humility and say, "My Lord and Sustainer, have mercy on them both as they nurtured, cherished and sustained me in childhood."

Here is another interesting one:

'A man came to Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) and asked permission to go to Jihad (struggling for the sake of Islam). The Prophet asked him, "are your parents alive?" The man said, "yes". The Prophet responded, "then strive to serve them."

Anyway I guess it is the same in all cultures, religions etc. Respect and serve your parents damnit!!!!

[sirean_syan]

That's rough. It's strange the situations that always seem to arise around grandparents. Maybe it's because we have a strong tie to them through our parents but almost never have the contact to back up that tie because we tend to be physically far away. I dunno.

Everyone else already said it. Don't blame yourself. If you need to do something, be there for your parents. That's were you can do the most good.

[Quemaqua]

I think a lot of people don't have strong ties with their grandparents these days.  Focus on family seems so much less than it once was.  My family is very big and we see each other a lot, but I've never been particularly close to any of my grandparents, so it's a bit weird for me.  I try to be nice, I try to do what I can... visit, participate... but we just aren't close.  There's no common ground and I don't think there ever will be with the remaining grandparents I have.  That said, they love me and they know that I love them.  That's never been at issue.  And I'm sure it's the same with your grandmother.  People all have problems, and my guess is that she thought of you fondly through it all, her problems being of a wholly separate nature.  There's no need to feel guilt because of a generational gap.  You should just honor her memory now, say your prayers for her, and be supportive of the family you have around you.  Encourage them to honor her memory as well, and help support those that have been affected by her death.  It's certainly a sad end, but it doesn't mean that a beautiful life didn't come before it, and that's what you should do your best to remember.  Life can be ugly, but there's a poetry to it, and if you look back at your grandmother's life, I'd bet good money that you'd find that poetry there too.

[angrykeebler]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I found those Koran verses quite interesting, Pug and completly agree with you. When I get older, my parents will never be neglected.

 The funeral is on Thursday and my grandpa goes into surgery on the same day. The doctors are optimistic though!

[Ghandi]

Keeb, my grandmother died recently, and although it wasn't the same circumstances, I was still bound to her closely, in some of the same ways as you were. I found her passing particularly tough, for many reasons, including my final words to her. I'm not going to relate or explain these words, but rest assured, I understand the pain that you are going through.

Also, Pug, I think that it's great that you related verses of the Koran. In particularly serious topics such as these, it is crucial to try and extend such virtues, and I really want to try and read the whole Koran- this is something I have been needing to do for a long time. Particularly, if we are trying to understand a people as a nation, we must first understand their underlying beliefs. But yeah, thats a different topic altogether....

[Raisa]

i hope you're holding up okay.

That's really sad.  I think you're grandma loved you in her own way if she remembered that little race car so well. 

I don't want to say anything but sometimes, my only living grandma says that now that she's old she feels like she's a burden on everyone else.  And now that her kids and grandkids are all grown up or almost grown up, then they've all left and they don't need her anymore so she has to keep herself busy with projects.  My grandpa died ages ago, so she's been alone.  She hates not having any projects cause she feels like as soon as she has nothing to work on, it'll be time for death to come a-knocking.

My grandparents on both sides of the family were all influential during my growing up years. and i have friends who can't do without their grandparents.. But I have friends who've never met their grandparents and dont' care to know about them.  They say old people belong in old age homes where you can't se em. 

it's all a passing show..