Topic: Parenthood

[PyroMenace]

I've sorta wanted to make this thread for awhile now, just wasn't sure if it was the right time. So first off, no I didn't have a kid, I wanted to make this because I've been going through experiences from the journey I am now embarking. Plus I wanted to hear from some of the other forum members here to share advice and get updates on how parenting has been going with them.

So I've met someone and we've been together a couple months shy of a year now. She has a rambunctious 3 (almost 4) year old son. I've often wondered if I've had the responsibility, patience, and outright guts to parent a little one. When I first met Rachel, I knew she was a mother and I had an idea of what I was getting into, at least that's as much I could guess to have. I've even second guessed myself quite a number of time wondering what the hell am I actually getting into, but after 10 months of the little guy being in my life, I can say it's not as difficult as I would imagined. He loves trains, but I've been attempting to debunk that down to his second favorite by showing him all the ghostbuster cartoons I possibly can, though every week I build him a railroad track from the set he has, which is ALOT. I really do have a good time, showing him the stuff I enjoyed when I was little and even playing with the stuff he currently loves, the more time I spend with him, I start to understand the whole concept of taking all the frustrating parts and knowing that its all worth it, and man I really do have those Louis CK moments where there's shit you want to do but their attention seeking is never ending.

It's been a really educating experience and something I think that's been really good for me seeing that down the line I'm going to want one of my own. Plus we only have him 3 times a week so it's like a nice warm up to the real thing. As for the real thing, I really do bow down to those of you with the actual minions of your own taking it on full time, it changes you, even if your only getting a taste. Anyway, I'm interested in hearing all of your thoughts on parenting, like scottws, if he's still around. I remember you having step kids of your own if I recall correctly, I was interested in hearing your thoughts on that.

[K-man]

Being a parent has fundamentally changed me.  All for the better, too, I think.

I always tell people that if I had gone through life and never had a child I'd have been perfectly content.  But now that I do there is no way I would ever go back.

[Quemaqua]

Better you than me! I already spend inordinate amounts of time on the dogs. I'm fairly certain a kid would literally kill me at this point (what with the heart issues). That said, I think you're right, the experience of children does change you. It's different from pretty much anything else. I used to ... I don't know what to call it. It wasn't babysitting, because the mother was around, but I sort of went over to kinda big brother/mentor this really young kid who was adopted by a friend of our family. Would just spend time with him, play around, teach him a little. I've still never quite had that same experience again, being looked up to that way.

[Ace_O_Spades]

Being a parent of a young baby, I can let you know what my experience was anyway. At first it sucks a lot because newborn babies are shitty. There's a reason they call the first three months the "fourth trimester" because it's horrible. Your job is to keep the baby alive and it doesn't really give you anything back in return. Then it sucks less when they get a bit older, can pay attention and smile / laugh. I assume it sucks less and less as they can do more stuff, but I'm only five months into this whole deal. I'll keep you posted.

It did take me a while to feel a connection. I looked forward to being at work so I could have some quiet time. Now things are getting better though, except when he puke shits. Those times suck still.

[sirean_syan]

I'm still forming a proper opinion on being a parent. They way things are going I might have a good answer for you in 25 or so years. I can say that Mabel is fucking awesome. Mabel herself is more or less my ideal child in terms of personality and stuff so far. When I pictured what our kid would be like years ago I honestly had something so close to Mabel in mind it's scary. I was careful not to have too many preconceived notions as to what she would be like so that I could love her for whatever she ended up being, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I had an image of who she should be. She's not exactly what I expected, but she's downright perfect in her own way. Thankfully I don't really have much of an image of her as an older kid or an adult, so she's free to be whoever she ends up being (for now). I wouldn't mind if she wanted to play games with me when she gets a little older though (we're trying to avoid TV and stuff until at least her second birthday, so far it's going alright).

The hardest thing for me since Mabel's been born has been time. That's not time spent with her, mind you, but time just doing stuff to take care of the house, Mabel, and Aimee. As a grad student that was pretty devastating to my performance for at least a year, and rough rough until now. I completely lost my ability to do work at home and given how I've worked in the past that killed my output. In a lot of ways, having a child as a grad student was one of the dumbest things I've even done even if Mabel herself is one of the best things that ever happened to me. It's been rough enough that I'm leery about having a second child ever. It's draining and I can't imagine ever getting anything substantial done with a second around here.

However, I sort of feel the opposite to Ace though. In a lot of ways the first few months were the easiest. As a newborn Mabel still needed a lot of attention, but she slept easily and was pretty simple to take care of. With awareness she required more full attention and became extremely difficult to put to sleep. By the time I tend to come home for school Aimee's exhausted. Mabel's not a needy child exactly, but only until the last few months she was super attached to her mother. It was so strong that almost no one could do things for her without her getting upset. That meant Aimee's day began and ended with Mabel and, more often than not, she almost got no breaks in between. On an "easy" day my first four hours home for work are devoted to getting everyone else fed and happily in bed. If I still have energy after that I'll probably stay up too late doing stuff. I'm really looking forward to her getting a little more independent so at least Aimee can relax a little more. I only knew one person who said it would continue to get harder as they got older until a certain age of independence was reached. This is probably the best thing that person ever told me, which is amusing because this is my research advisor and I'm pretty sure he considers himself a mediocre parent at best. You can't count on taking care of a child getting easier until much later.

[Cobra951]

There's no question that they change your life.  And in today's society, the parental roles are not clear-cut anymore, leading to the sort of overwhelming stress you're talking about.  It's no wonder professional people are having such few children.  They just don't have the time to do everything that's expected of them.

Whether it gets easier or harder depends in large part on the child's personality.  They are not blank slates.  Their personality is in the dice roll of the genes.  My first daughter was a joy after she was 18 months old or so.  She was very smart and could entertain herself happily for hours.  Good disposition, and as long as her needs were taken care of, she was no trouble at all.  My second daughter, on the other hand, to this day will wear you out if you let her.  She is now 13.  She was very much a fulltime job through her formative years.  Constant demand for parental attention, and acting out if she didn't get it.

You need to establish some rules for yourself and for the household.  Otherwise, your career will suffer, and consequently, your family will suffer.  They need to be made to understand that.  It's not that the child is less important.  On the contrary--the child's welfare depends on your success.